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LJ Idol 06: The Sun Also Rises
I don’t do mornings. No, seriously.
I really don’t do mornings. I’ve been known to answer the telephone prior to 8 am with “What the hell do you want?”
While that generates often time interesting responses, and kudos to the telemarketers who can pick up the pieces and carry on with, “Why, I’d like to offer you an amazing deal to refinance your house!” -(I don’t own a house.) – it doesn’t make me very popular amongst my coworkers.
One of the secretaries in my old job used to judge my mood about 9 and tell me whether or not I needed more coffee.
And while I’m on the subject, I used to hate the phrase, “Good morning!” My mother would use that to wake me up when I was little and my immediate thought was always, “What the **** is good about it?” (I filled in the blank as I got older and my vocabulary expanded, but the sentiment never changed.)
Yet lately, I’ve had the opportunity to observe quite a few sunrises. Health issues have thrown a wrench in my sleeping schedule, and while I’ve never needed much sleep, two hours on either end and awake all night in the middle is a bit much even for me.
I have chronic adult onset asthma. What this means in nontechnical terms is that sometimes I can’t f’ing breathe. My lungs crackle even on the good days and on the bad days, I’m sucking through an inhaler or nebulizer so often that I’m worried it’ll give me a heart attack, since the steroids make my heart race. But, if I have to choose between suffocation or heart attack, I choose the heart attack.
For about the last four months, I’ve noticed a trend. My asthma gets worse at night. I don’t know how my lungs know what time it is, but they do. I watch the sunset with more trepidation that villagers in Dracula’s hometown. Around midnight, I go to sleep. Around 2, I wake up desperate for air.
Nebulize.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Drugs.
Repeat through the rest of the night as often as necessary and more often than deemed wise.
This has given me a considerable amount of time for reflection and my attitude about morning has changed. I long for sunrise the way I long for air. The break of dawn coincides with the break in the congestion in my chest. The light promises that I’ve survived yet another day and that life continues.
It’s all very cyclical.
My apartment had a balcony and I used to sit on the foot of my bed and stare out at the creek that ran below. There was a fox who sometimes tramped through. There were owls. There were cats and rats and other nighttime creatures that I had temporarily joined.
The world feels different at night. It’s much smaller. It’s hard to ignore the thoughts that linger in the back of my brain during the day – fear about money, fear that opening my own business is a bad decision, fear that I’m utterly alone. It’s oppressive, almost.
And then everything starts to change. Subtly, the darkness becomes a little less black and a little more gray. The nighttime creatures make their last rounds, bidding farewell until dusk. Gradually, the temperature increases. (This is what I think helps me.)
The constriction in my chest eases and I start to breathe easier, both physically and metaphorically.
Bed beckons once more and as the sun peeks over the horizon, I close my eyes and drift into an exhausted slumber.
Fair warning to the telemarketers, if you thought I was cranky before, I suggest that you reconsider dialing my number prior to 10 am now. Still, when I wake up, I feel as though the world is bigger and beckoning. I can make my mark in it and survive what it has to throw at me.
Now, I call my mother in the mornings and the first thing she hears is my cheery, “Good morning!”
I’ve learned to count on this one fact – every sunset eventually leads to a sunrise. It’s not much, but sometimes it’s the one hope that I place all of my expectations on. So far, it’s been enough.
This entry was written in response to the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
therealljidol Topic 06: Sunrise. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
I really don’t do mornings. I’ve been known to answer the telephone prior to 8 am with “What the hell do you want?”
While that generates often time interesting responses, and kudos to the telemarketers who can pick up the pieces and carry on with, “Why, I’d like to offer you an amazing deal to refinance your house!” -(I don’t own a house.) – it doesn’t make me very popular amongst my coworkers.
One of the secretaries in my old job used to judge my mood about 9 and tell me whether or not I needed more coffee.
And while I’m on the subject, I used to hate the phrase, “Good morning!” My mother would use that to wake me up when I was little and my immediate thought was always, “What the **** is good about it?” (I filled in the blank as I got older and my vocabulary expanded, but the sentiment never changed.)
Yet lately, I’ve had the opportunity to observe quite a few sunrises. Health issues have thrown a wrench in my sleeping schedule, and while I’ve never needed much sleep, two hours on either end and awake all night in the middle is a bit much even for me.
I have chronic adult onset asthma. What this means in nontechnical terms is that sometimes I can’t f’ing breathe. My lungs crackle even on the good days and on the bad days, I’m sucking through an inhaler or nebulizer so often that I’m worried it’ll give me a heart attack, since the steroids make my heart race. But, if I have to choose between suffocation or heart attack, I choose the heart attack.
For about the last four months, I’ve noticed a trend. My asthma gets worse at night. I don’t know how my lungs know what time it is, but they do. I watch the sunset with more trepidation that villagers in Dracula’s hometown. Around midnight, I go to sleep. Around 2, I wake up desperate for air.
Nebulize.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Drugs.
Repeat through the rest of the night as often as necessary and more often than deemed wise.
This has given me a considerable amount of time for reflection and my attitude about morning has changed. I long for sunrise the way I long for air. The break of dawn coincides with the break in the congestion in my chest. The light promises that I’ve survived yet another day and that life continues.
It’s all very cyclical.
My apartment had a balcony and I used to sit on the foot of my bed and stare out at the creek that ran below. There was a fox who sometimes tramped through. There were owls. There were cats and rats and other nighttime creatures that I had temporarily joined.
The world feels different at night. It’s much smaller. It’s hard to ignore the thoughts that linger in the back of my brain during the day – fear about money, fear that opening my own business is a bad decision, fear that I’m utterly alone. It’s oppressive, almost.
And then everything starts to change. Subtly, the darkness becomes a little less black and a little more gray. The nighttime creatures make their last rounds, bidding farewell until dusk. Gradually, the temperature increases. (This is what I think helps me.)
The constriction in my chest eases and I start to breathe easier, both physically and metaphorically.
Bed beckons once more and as the sun peeks over the horizon, I close my eyes and drift into an exhausted slumber.
Fair warning to the telemarketers, if you thought I was cranky before, I suggest that you reconsider dialing my number prior to 10 am now. Still, when I wake up, I feel as though the world is bigger and beckoning. I can make my mark in it and survive what it has to throw at me.
Now, I call my mother in the mornings and the first thing she hears is my cheery, “Good morning!”
I’ve learned to count on this one fact – every sunset eventually leads to a sunrise. It’s not much, but sometimes it’s the one hope that I place all of my expectations on. So far, it’s been enough.
This entry was written in response to the
therealljidol Topic 06: Sunrise. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
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Also, go for opening your own business.
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I'm not a morning person either, so I can really relate to your entry as far as that goes!
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Have you tried taking allergy meds before bed? Usually when my asthma gets worse at night it's because there's something else going on...
Be well.
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Great entry!
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On a different note, I do like the optimism from your last line. :)