LJ Idol 07: Forgotten Prayers

[bewize]

Yesterday morning I received a phone call about my great aunt. She'd fallen over the weekend and landed on a radiator. Without any idea what caused the fall and because she suffered several severe burns, she was transferred to the Burn Center in Augusta, Georgia.

I am the only relative who could reach her - or who was willing to go. While I will resist giving into the anger I feel at other relatives at the moment, I am nearly overcome with it.

But this isn't about me. It's about her.

She's 91 and tiny and frail and dying.

I saw her yesterday in the ICU. I had to put on a gown and footies and gloves and a hairnet and a face mask. I almost couldn't find anywhere to touch her, but I did. I held her hand. I told her about my cats and my move and my godson and the book I'm writing.

She was always a religious woman and so I dredged up remembered childhood prayers and whispered the words in hopes that God would still listen to me if I was talking about her.

Our Father, who art in Heaven

How could you do this to her?

Hallowed be thy Name

I only speak your name in curses anymore. When did that happen?

Thy kingdom come,

I hope it is coming for you, Aunt Jo.

Thy will be done,

This is why we don't talk anymore, God. I don't see your will in so much of what happens, I'm not sure you exist.

on earth as it is in heaven.

If you do exist, I'm pretty sure you've turned your back on the whole world. Not that I blame you.

Give us this day our daily bread,

She's so thin. And they want me to tell them not to give her a feeding tube. Oh, God.

and forgive us our trespasses,

I hope you forgive me, God, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I'm about to do.

as we forgive those who trespass against us;

I wonder if Aunt Jo will forgive me. I wonder if I forgive people who need it.

and lead us not into temptation,

I want a drink. I want to be drugged into numbness.

but deliver us from evil.

I'll settle for being delivered from the more annoying of your followers.

I finished the prayer and Aunt Jo twitched one finger in my hand. I could feel it. It was the only indication she gave me that she could hear me or knew I was there or was alive at all.

I left her side a few minutes later and signed the DNR. Today they are taking her off the blood pressure drip.

I hope that was what she meant.

God help me, God forgive me, God damn it all.

Amen.

Comments

[second-batgirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs you so very much*

[harmonyangel.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry. :(

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

so difficult. i'm sorry you were in that position, and i'm sorry for your aunt.

[tarma.livejournal.com]

Damn, I'm so sorry. *hugs tightly*

[shadowwolf13]

I'm so very sorry ... I wish I could help.

[kenakeri.livejournal.com]

It's sad you had to face this I'm so sorry.

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry; this is a beautiful piece of writing, but I'm sad that it came from such an awful and painful happening. For what it's worth, I'll keep you both in my prayers.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so sorry. This was beautifully poignant and touched me to the core. Thank you.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.

[milleniumrex.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry about all this. You shouldn't have been alone there.

At least she had someone with her at the end. I'm sorry you had to go through this, though. :(

[chix001.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry honey. I love you.

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

What a horrible decision to have to make. I really feel for you.

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

What an incredibly sad event : (. You handled that very well and this was a really powerful entry. Thanks for sharing.

[strangevisitor7.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[1thecheerleader.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I'm so late in the day reading this. You amaze me always with your strength. Prayers for you and for your aunt's great new journey. I'll also pray for your family, that they somehow learn not to be asses. Love to you!

[kutiechick.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

My 94 year old great-grandmother has fallen a few times lately - it is so hard to see that happening.

I really loved the way you showed us your thoughts as you recited the Lord's prayer. I really identify with those sentiments these days.

[rejeneration.livejournal.com]

You say that this isn't about you, and I see what you're saying, but you have to know how wonderful and special you are that you're willing to drop everything in your life to go take care of her. Someone who could so willingly be forgotten, and you're just-- there.

It must have been SO HARD being the one to take all that responsibility and burden onto your shoulders. You did the right thing. I can just feel it from this. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this kind of pain. =(

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. I'm so sorry.

[java-fiend.livejournal.com]

What an unbelievably difficult position for you to be in. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.

[so-small.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry.

[joeymichaels.livejournal.com]

I fervently hope that when I am in the position your poor Aunt was in that I will have somebody as level-headed and wise as you making this decision for me.

Quality of life has to be taken into account when making these decisions. It is clear that all you'd have been doing by not signing those papers is to prolong a very unpleasant existence. What you did was an act of compassion and (dare we say it in these cynical times?) mercy.

I'm sorry for what you had to go through, but filled with admiration for what you did.

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry. :(

[cacophonesque.livejournal.com]

This was such an incredible piece of writing, and I can't fathom how difficult a situation it must be. But, like someone else said, your aunt was so fortunate to have someone like you there with her--someone to care for her and to honor her wishes when the time came.

[dabhug.livejournal.com]

Hugs, hugs, hugs. I know, I know.

[redrobben.livejournal.com]

*fierce hugs*

I'm here if you ever need to talk. About death, about life, about the stuff in between the lines up there. Whatever.

[cdg1219.livejournal.com]

I'd just like to add to the beautiful sentiments expressed on this page--much love to you!

[ninjakat.livejournal.com]

OMG, honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this, especially by yourself! You are such a wonderful, caring person, so I'm sure it was a comfort for her to have you there. *hugs*

[ask-a-sup.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I hope the happy memories trump in the end.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Oh hugs. that's all I can offer right now.

[islandman.livejournal.com]

:( So tough. My thoughts are with you...

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

HUGS!!! The words revelled through my body, and a chill ran down my spine as I read this as I felt the feelings through me. I am sorry for your loss.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's gotta be rough. *hugs*

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry you had to be put in that position. The heartlessness of your other relatives is appalling. I can understand why you feel the way you do about God; so much here just doesn't make sense. *hugs*

[blythe025.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I can't imagine how hard that must have been.