LJ Idol 23: So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!

[bewize]

Sometimes I fantasize about disappearing.*

I think about getting in my car and just driving until I run out of gas.

Then walking until I can't walk anymore.

Because this is my fantasy, the next step is realizing that there actually are aliens in the desert (which is invariably where I end up), and hitching a ride on a flying saucer.

In my dream, the aliens are less about probes and medical experiments than they are about non sequiturs.

Thanks for all the fish.**

The end of this fantasy wouldn't be dramatic. There would be no bloodstained floor or ransom letter left behind. My friends and family wouldn't be alarmed so much as there would be the vague nagging sensation that things somehow weren't as they had been. No one would panic. No one would grieve. The world would move on exactly as it had always been, and the Bewize-shaped hole left behind would quickly fill with other concerns.

Once I was successfully in space, I would find a room with large glass windows and I would float, in silence, and do nothing but stare at the stars until I could finally breathe freely again.

There would be no expectations. No pressures. No demands.

Nothing but the emptiness of infinite space.

*************************

I awoke in the middle of the night last night when my cell phone beeped at me. I had received a text message from a friend, who wanted me to know that U2 was on David Letterman. U2 – Letterman – 1 minute – hurry!

Still staggering from dream drunkenness, I grabbed my glasses, tripped over two cats, and crawled into the living room to watch my favorite band on television.

Sunday morning, I was getting dressed to meet a friend for lunch. My cell phone beeped and I glanced at it. Your boy Rahm is on Face the Nation in 2 minutes.

Gleefully, I abandoned all hopes of being somewhere on time for once and ran to the television set to see what news Rahm Emanuel had to share with me.

I live in the information age, where messages can reach me in seconds, phone calls from England sound like phone calls from next door, and internet sites like LiveJournal allow me to feel like I am a part of people's lives even if I don't see them more than once a year, or even if I've never met them before.

I am not alone.

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This past month has been unbearably difficult for so many people. I have friends who, like me, are dealing with the loss of a job. I have friends who are on the verge of having babies, literally at any minute. Other friends are struggling with marital problems. More than one friend has lost a parent, and several others have lost extended family and pets.

I cannot do anything to help them. I can barely help myself right now.

But I’m glad I'm here for them.

For some of these people, I can offer an encouraging comment or email. For others, I can be a distraction on the telephone. A few people are close enough to receive hugs and the offer of a shoulder to cry on. In some small, and probably meaningless way, I try to make sure that the people I love know that I may not be much, but I am here for them.

You aren't alone.

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Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we all got five minutes warning that the world was about to end. *

Maybe I'd go and drink an entire fifth of Jack Daniels.

Maybe I'd go up to the most handsome man I could find and shag my brains out.

But probably, I would try and call the people I loved most and tell them that I loved them.

Because this is my fantasy, my calls would go directly through. Everyone would answer, having chosen to talk to me instead of getting drunk or shagging someone's brains out, and we would exchange tearful and sincere good byes.

*************************

At the end of the day, even if sometimes the expectations are overwhelming, the pressures suffocating, and the demands feel unbearable, I can seek solace in friends and find a comforting shoulder.

It's nice to realize that if I left a Bewize-shaped hole, people would notice. Because none of us are in this alone.

And knowing that is the best thing in the world.

*Yes, I am aware that my fantasies suggest I might benefit from therapy. Thanks for noticing.
** A bonus point to anyone who recognized the Douglas Adams reference.


This entry was written in response to the therealljidol Challenge 23 – The Best Thing. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.