bewize | Entries tagged with life's mysteries

Snowflake Challenge promotional banner featuring a wrapped giftbox with a snowflake on the gift tag. Text: Snowflake Challenge January 1-31

In your own space, talk about an idea you wish you had the time / talent / energy to do.

I feel like this is a bit of a rehash of things I would like to see done - at least for me. I wish I had time and energy and skill to do the things I talked about here.

I also wish I had artistic talent that would let me create fanart I'd like to see. Since what I like is something more than stick figures, I don't. Haha!

Time is the biggest limiting factor of all. Trying to split time between adulting/job/family/life/fun/fandom is hard. I don't have enough and something always has to give. It's just the breaks of the game, I guess.

After finishing 10% Happier, I decided I had nothing to lose by trying to meditate for 5 minutes a day during November.

I cannot do it without music, but Pandora offers several "meditation music" options, so it may be a cheat, but... *shrug* It may also just be a starting place.

One of the things Harris mentioned in the book was to see what thoughts arose and whether there was anything you can do about them.

I note the following types of thoughts:

* Physical discomfort (aches, pains, etc.)
* Concerns about my SO and his job
* Thoughts about how I can't meditate
* Random thoughts about work, food, life, etc.
* Thoughts about how I need to do X better

That is the rough universe of thoughts that intrude, but I can see a pattern already.

What can I do about them:

* Self-care (yoga, stretching, doctors, massage, exercise, movement)
* Help with some activities (putting in grades) and emotional support (which means more self-care, so I have more to offer)
* Dismiss these as self-defeating waste of time
* Acknowledge and push aside until a better time, focus on those things in a dedicated way when it is time
* Try and reframe as cheering, not belittling, and again focus on those things in a dedicated way when it is time

The acronym Harris gave was RAIN: The book outlines the mindfulness tool, RAIN, an acronym for a four-step process: recognize, allow, investigate and nurture.

That concept was the one that really got me interested. What thoughts are rampaging in my brain that I might be able to harness better and use to my benefit, instead of my detriment?

This has been a difficult year.

Turmoil. That's the name of the game.

Beginning. Middle. End.

A sick father. A dying father. A dead father.

An infant. A baby. A one year old.

Post-partum depression. Relationship turmoil. Emotional disconnect.

A friend. A liar. A heartache.

This is how my year is gone. Beginning. Middle. End.

Of course, it's not over yet. I'm still here. Still standing. Still fighting the good fight.

But, y'all. I'm tired. And sometimes, I cannot help but wonder if I'm fighting battles because it's important to win them, or if I'm fighting them, because that's all I know to do.

Sometime in the past months, I've gotten... numb? Calm? Resigned? Resolved?

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it means. I do know that the fear I had is gone, though.

I see things more clearly now. The fog is lifting and the great unknowable future looks less foreboding.

This year has been fire. I've lost many things that were important to me. My people. Some of my freedom. Friends that I valued. Pieces of inner-peace. Certainty that my relationship would hold firm. These things have burned away in the ashes of this year.

I spoke to a friend about this recently and she commented, "I know you must be so upset... but you don't sound upset."

That's what I found in the fire. The truth. And the truth is, I'm not upset. I'm not feeling like I've lost; or at least, I didn't lose more than I gained.

Underneath everything else, I found myself again. The ME that is actually ME. The Me that stares down the Future and feels nothing but a firm and unshakable belief that I'll weather those storms, best those demons, and land firmly (if not gracefully) on my feet.

I spent ages trying to figure out what came after "the end," because I wanted a pithy title to this post. I googled. I asked the Facebooks. I got lots of great suggestions: postscript, epilogue, coda, aftermath.

But, in re-reading my post, I realized the answer all on my own.

"What comes after the end"?

"A new beginning."

This entry was written for therealljidol 01.01: ""It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." If there is voting, I will share the poll. Thanks.

( Life goes on. And on. And on. If you're lucky. )

This entry was written for Topic 6: Not of Your World at

therealljidol. I assume voting will take place later this week. Everyone should check out all the good entries!

( So Long. )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 23 – The Best Thing. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

When I was a child, I knew a secret. Once I went to bed, if I pulled my blankets in tightly around me, if I slipped the second pillow over my eyes, if the only part of me left exposed to the darkness was my nose, then I was safe from everything.

( You don't understand. I coulda had class. )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 19: Blanket . There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~Jean Houston

( My will is unconquerable. )

The title of this entry is inspired by this Winston Churchill quote – “I have never accepted what many people have kindly said-namely that I inspired the nation. Their will was resolute and remorseless, and as it proved, unconquerable. It fell to me to express it.”

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 14: Resolute. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

( That monthly changes in her circled orb )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 12: Favorite Stories. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.

~ Paul Tournier

( Or Maybe, It's Really Just Me. )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 10: You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Topic Is About You. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

"Do you know one thing that I admire about you? When it's time for you to go, you just go. You don't look back. You don't linger. You don't cry. You just march forward into the future on blind faith, don't you?"

~WizeMother, circa 1998

I wonder if my mother suspected that I'd remember her words a decade after she spoke them?

( Wherein I ramble on the subject of goodbyes. )

~ Bewize

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 1: Saying Goodbye. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoyed my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Introduce myself, eh?

If I knew myself, keeping a journal wouldn't be nearly as much fun, now would it? *grins*

So, here are some basic statistics. ( BANG! )

Thanks for reading and I look forward to making new friends!

~ Bewize

Written for

therealljidol Challenge 0 - Introduction. Credit for the title belongs to Liz Phair and her song "Extraordinary." No voting this week, but voting starts next week. Comments are always appreciated and welcomed.