bewize | Entries tagged with family drama

You left me long before you left me.

You left when you couldn't cope with the stress of being a parent. You left when you chose to indulge in your illegalities instead of bedtime stories and tickle fights. You left when you decided it wasn't worth coming home before we were all in bed.

You left when you quit your job and became "self-employed" as a barely making ends meet unable to provide for his family riding your wife's paycheck slacker. Worse, you took her away from me, too, for so many hours a day.

You left when you chose your lowlife friends over your family. You left when you quit going to church and getting out of bed in the mornings was an obligation you couldn't meet. You left when you stopped helping with homework, because the siren song of your obsession called you from the dark recesses of the basement.

You left when you started sleeping on the sofa instead of in your room with your wife. You left when you would move to the room when the rest of us awoke and started our day. You left when you stopped wanting to eat meals with us.

You left when you didn't care if you actually got visitation. You left when having us for the weekend took too much effort. You left when you couldn't be bothered to help us pay for our normal teenage lives, band and sports and car insurance.

You left us.

Worst, you never accepted responsibility. "She left me!" You told me this one day, unprompted. "I want you to know, she left me!"

I was 13, but I knew it was a desperate lie that you told yourself so you could believe that your life wasn't your fault. I just nodded, already wise to the futility of arguing with someone who had left his life behind.

Your terms, or nothing. That was how you remained in my life. I called. I came to visit. I made the effort - every effort, all effort. I went to therapy to learn to cope with being abandoned; I went to therapy to learn to cope with the memories of the Awful Times before she left you - the fights, the sounds of slaps, the holes in the walls, the screaming accusations, the smell of something disgusting wafting up from the basement when you stormed out, the rafters and windows stills shaking at the impact of your anger.

Then I left. College. Law School. Another city. Another state. Another life.

I called, still. I visited, still. I made the efforts, still. I doubled-down in therapy, because I was so afraid I'd be with someone like you.

I loved you, still. So much. And I hated you still, too.

Then you left everything but your body. I came home, to the hospital, where you looked so different and yet, still the same. You were there, looking at me, talking to me, but you didn't know me. You didn't know where you were, ranting at me and begging me to help you get out of jail. You didn't know that you had daughters. You didn't know anything.

Even though I thought my heart was immune to you, you broke it again. For two years, you were only in your own body sometimes. Sometimes you knew me, sometimes you didn't. Sometimes you knew you, sometimes you didn't.

When the call came from hospice that you were leaving for good, I didn't come home. I had nothing left to say. You'd met your grandson, but you didn't know him. You'd hugged me goodbye, and I think you meant it.

At the end, it grew desperate. You wanted so badly to be at home and I did everything I could to keep you there. I was grateful when I got the call that you'd finally left your body for good.

You left us.

But, truthfully, I don't remember a time before that happened.

I still love you.

I miss you. (That is the stupidest thing I've said my entire life.)

Good-bye, Daddy.

This entry was written for therealljidol 04: "Ghosting." If there is voting, I will share the poll. Thanks.

Someone just used the hallway as a restroom. I can't decide whether or not I should be grossed out or laughing hysterically. The kicker is I *told* him to go upstairs and use the bathroom there, since the one on this floor is locked to the public.

But really, if he's willing to do that in a hallway that is encased with glass doors, what would he have done in the private bathroom area??? May I never find out.

************

I just got a text from my sister, whom I've not spoken to in months, telling me that she had to have her cat put to sleep and would like to "hear my voice." I will call her, but I'm not sure how to have this conversation, because I'm still not okay with the lying or the being ignored. But, I do feel bad about the cat. :(

*************

I am on a ROLL today at work. Got one client off the imminent foreclosure list, got another client off his driving charges, picked up yet another client who needs some foreclosure work done. Whoot!

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I was having a conversation last night wherein I was asked about the last time I was "relaxed and comfortable." Do you know what? I have no frigging clue when that was, but I'm pretty sure there was probably copious amounts of alcohol involved.

This... is a mirror to my life that I'm not quite sure what to do with yet. I shall put the image aside and contemplate it later. It's disturbing, though, to realize that I simply never relax and never feel comfortable. I've always, always, always got something on my mind that is stressing me out.

This explains a lot of gray hair...

( Life goes on. And on. And on. If you're lucky. )

This entry was written for Topic 6: Not of Your World at

therealljidol. I assume voting will take place later this week. Everyone should check out all the good entries!

I've not updated with anything but Woe!Angst lately and while life is insanely stressful, there are (as always) several very fun things still happening.

* I met a guy who is a lot younger than I am (though legal!). He's adorable, though, and persistent as hell. I told him to go away before I did something I'd regret (so, so cute!). He said that sounded promising and has been e-stalking me since, but in a cute way. I told him he was too little and he said, "Not where it counts." LOL. Seriously... this could be problematic. But in a fun way!

* I had the chance to interview Mike Kinnebrew again. He's a local-ish musician and I adore him. He is so nice! And his music is fun, singer/songwriter stuff. Seriously, LOVE. We've become Facebook friends so I can better stalk him. It was his idea. ♥ (He's got a lot of music on Youtube and his new album just came out. Go and listen!)

* The office move is underway. It's 95% stress, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't think it's a train. Please, God, don't let it be a train.

* M continues to be a shining light. He's SO MUCH FUN at this age. He's obsessed with Elmo and with books and he constantly brings me Scott Pilgrim and the Marvel Mix and Match that Margot bought him last year. He calls me, "RACH!" and sometimes "MOMMYRACH!" and I don't think it's possible to love anyone more. /sap

* My family is thinking about coming here for Christmas. I don't know what to think of that. So, in true bewize-fashion, I won't think about it at all. It won't happen anyway, but the possibility is freaking me out.

I'm hungry now and going to eat lunch shortly. Bye folks!

Today has been awesome. My sister got into town last night and we chilled at the house while I made pies and destroyed cakes. I'm sure that's deep on other levels, but superficially... it smelled good. :)

We got up early today and went and ran in a 5 K that benefitted a local food bank. I ran the race in 39 minutes, unofficially. I'm still waiting on my "official time," since I wore a tracker with the insane idea that I will be qualifying for the Peachtree Road Race.

On that note, there's a resolution run on Jan 1 and race on St. Pat's weekend, if anyone wants to run with me. :) I'm thinking of doing both.

Of course, I got an invite to go to Las Vegas over New Year's Eve and I'm considering it. I probably will pass, since I don't really have the money, but it could be a lot of fun. I shall ponder.

We had dinner at home tonight, once V got done with work. OMG. It was a lot of food. We still haven't had pie yet, either. M rejected all Tgiving food in favor of chicken nuggets. *shrugs* He'll learn. :)

We had turkey, mashed potatoes, baked sweet potatoes, green bean caserole, asperagus caserole, corn on the cob, rolls, devilled eggs, and probably something that I'm forgetting. We have left overs forever. Please come here and eat. LOL.

The plan is to go shopping tomorrow, early. Like 5 am early. I am not feeling it yet, but I'm sure I will be happier once we get moving. I got 95% of my Xmas shopping done last year on this day. This year, V, S and I have sort of adopted this woman and her baby. She was homeless, and between us all, we've got her in an apartment. She got herself a job and is working really hard. But, it's not easy and we want to make sure that she and the baby are okay, so I'm guessing we'll hit up quite a few things for her.

V is trying to convince me to buy one of the really cheap laptops at BestBuy or Target as a "back up." LOL.

I spoke to my family and wished them well, but I'm really glad that I didn't go home this year. It's just too much... whatever.

I need to work on my LJI entry. I have an idea. It took me a while, but I think/hope I can pull it off. :)

I also need to write articles this weekend, because next week at work is going to SUCK. A LOT. I'm dreading it already. XD

Anyway, I'm thankful to have a job. And be doing so well this far into it. I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for my family, who all love me. I'm thankful for my furry babies, that remind me that I'm awesome on a regular basis. I'm thankful that I've found the courage to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. I'm thankful that my health is so much better now than it was. I'm thankful that I can afford/can obtain the meds that I need to keep me that way.

I'm also thankful that there is a whole pumpkin pie waiting for me on the stove. Yummy.

♥

I'm exhausted. WTF?

Today was all right. I had a meeting, got paid, did some work, had another meeting, got a contract on a new med mal case, scheduled two new client meetings for tomorrow and still managed to get home early(ish).

Cramps suck, though. Sorry if that's TMI.

We had Texas Roadhouse for dinner, but I didn't feel great, M is sick, V is coughing and P wanted to go to work, so we didn't exactly linger, and I've been home since doing yet more work. I did have a rib though, and I've got left over ribs to eat at some point this week.

My mom told me to take some money and buy myself a new outfit. I said I wanted to pay off debt more, but she told me to shut up and listen to my mother. *lol* With an order like that, I think maybe I'll take her advice. I could use some new clothes, actually. I don't think I've bought myself new clothes (other than running clothes) since early summer, and then it was 2 dresses from Target.

Anyone want to go shopping?

I've got plans for tomorrow evening that I am looking forward to, although I can already feel the week slipping away from me. I need to remember to pack clothes to change into after work. Maybe I can sneak in a run first, too? We'll see, but running in Decatur would be awesome. All the Christmas decorations are up.

I helped Santa out this year and bought M a red wagon (Radio Flyer, of course!), which arrived today. It's very cool and all reminiscent of my own childhood. V was all emotional that I did it, but of course I did it. I would get that kid the moon if he asked me to.

He finally learned to say "Rach" and it's adorable. Half the time, he still calls me "mamamama" though. V is mommy or mombie (rhymes with zombie). I think he's finally realizing that all women aren't a derivation of "mom".

I ate a tiny snickers bar. It was tasty.

Did I mention that cramps suck?

Thanks to everyone who voted for me in LJ Idol. I'm pleased to have made it to a second week. The new topic is Deconstruction. Any suggestions?

And on that note, I'm going to bed. Where the heating pad currently lives.

A friend of mine started the Couch to 5K with me. In an effort to Do Things Right, she went to her doctor, who told her that if she exercised everyday for 90 days, it would be a lifetime habit she'd never break.

While my schedule is crazy, I kind of think that I'd better get a grip on some health issues. I know not everyone feels the same way about being overweight that I do, and that's fine. But I just got off the phone with my mother, whose father is dying from diabetes problems. And diabetes is linked with being overweight.

My father's side of the family is filled with diabetes from being overweight. And I don't want to die from that sort of illness, not that way. Yes, this is morbid, but so was the conversation that I had with my mother.

And so I went running. My iPod died about 10 mins into the run, leaving me to run in relative silence (except for my wheezing asthama-y breathing), but I kept going for two miles.

So 1/90 complete.

For the record, my friend doesn't run everyday. Some days she lifts weights or does other things, but the requirement is 20 minutes a day, every day. I figure that this is a workable plan.

No excuses.

When I was little, my grandfather would come to our house and garden. My father... well, let's just say that he had issues. But my Dad's dad, to me, could do no wrong. I have since learned all the ways that he is indeed my father's father. The men in my family are assholes, and they learn it from their fathers.

But when I was a child, I was pretty certain that my grandfather hung the moon. And, I know he loved me. I know he still loves me, even though he doesn't understand me. And I still love him, even though I don't understand him.

But I understood those days. I understood the smell of hot sun on hot dirt. I understood the feel of gardening tools in my hands. I understood calluses and the almost surreal pleasure of picking vegetables that my sweat had helped grow. But mostly, I grew to understand the fleeting nature of time.

My grandfather was the strongest man in the world, second only to my father, of course. He could use the tiller - a machine that I was not allowed to touch - to break through the hard clay ground. He could run the hose - that he'd poked holes into - along the ground to water the vegetables. He knew hot to grow everything, including a little girl's interest in nature and in history.

I learned how to tell if tomatoes needed bigger stakes, and how to tell if aphids were eating our plants before we could; I also learned what it was like to grow food because you had to have it to survive and what it felt like to be in a war.

My grandfather, for those hours in the garden, would lower his guard and let glimpses of his real self slip through. I learned that he had an older brother - who died in the Great Depression - and I learned what it was like to go to a one room school. I learned about my great-grandmother, who ran a boarding house to feed her two surviving children and I learned about my great-great-grandfather who fought in General Lee's army at the age of 15.

I learned what dirt smelled like after the rain and that watermelon vines run riot. I learned how to tell when tomatoes were ripe and when to pick peaches. I learned how to eat pomegranates.

Mostly, I learned to enjoy what I was given and accept that I couldn't make people different than what they were. I learned that my grandfather loved me and that sometimes that's enough.

Nostalgia is a strange and beautiful emotion, but it's also dangerous. It encourages us to look back at the past and see the best parts, shining like a beacon that scolds us from moving away from our values. It hides the dirt and grime, the blood and the guilt, of eras past under the black and white veneer of a photograph or memory.

( In 1945, my grandfather lived in the same city I live in now. )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Topic 02: Uphill, barefoot, both ways. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Love means never having to say...

( Whispers and Murmurs )

Thank you.

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 20: Love means never having to say... There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

"I think your problem is that you just let people get to you. You shouldn't care what they say or think. It doesn't affect you, let it go."

This was the advice a friend of mine gave me a week ago. Another friend gave it to me a month ago. Yet a different friend gave this advice to me several months ago. At least a few friends have told me this repeatedly over the years. And if you go back a decade or two, my mother and father both told me this repeatedly.

As you can tell, I really suck at taking advice.

( Things I Bet Most of You Don't Know About Me )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 17: Open Topic. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.

~ Paul Tournier

( Or Maybe, It's Really Just Me. )

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 10: You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Topic Is About You. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.