bewize: (Default)
[personal profile] bewize
"Do you know one thing that I admire about you? When it's time for you to go, you just go. You don't look back. You don't linger. You don't cry. You just march forward into the future on blind faith, don't you?"

~WizeMother, circa 1998



I wonder if my mother suspected that I'd remember her words a decade after she spoke them?

I remember everything about the moment she said this. I was going (back) to college and I was biding farewell to my family in the gravel driveway of the home WizeMother and WizeStepfather still live in. It was drizzling and I was tired of standing in the rain. Besides that, I had a four hour drive (just over three, really, but we need not discuss my tendency to speed here) ahead of me. A few quick hugs and a pile of crap shoved into the backseat later, I was ready to go. I went to get in the car and my mother caught my arm, bringing me back to her for one more hug.

I know I'm probably biased, but my mother gives the best hugs in the world, so I relaxed for one more second, kissed her cheek, told her I loved her, and tucked away her words along with a slightly flat Coke and the Wallflowers CD to keep me busy on the drive ahead.

She was right. Never tell her that I said that!

I don't look back very often. I never have, really. I'm an old school subscriber to the theory that when you dig in the past, all you get is dirty. Look forward, instead! That's where the action is. Am I the only one getting a mental image of a cowboy riding into the sunset here?

Thinking on it now, I realize that there were a lot of factors that made it easier to do this. We'd moved a few months before I left for school, and while it was home because my family was there, it wasn't really home and it never would be. The house, though lovely, held no memories for me. It was just a building that held my stuff. And it didn't hold much of that either. I had a mattress and a dresser. Mostly, it held my books.

Through circumstances beyond my control (my parents' divorce, the reality of my mother having live-in boyfriends, and moving from the refuge of a townhome into the headache adventures of homeownership about a month before I left for college), I'd been given a clean slate. It drove home the point that my life was mine; it was at my fingertips, for me to grab and wrestle with and force to be what I wanted. Or not, if I couldn't hack it. Failure and success both danced just out of my reach.

Was this blind faith? No, I don't think so. Ha! She wasn't completely right!

Here's the thing. I didn't say goodbye to anything, really. It was more of a "See you later, don't do anything crazy while I'm gone, love you!" This is not to say that I wouldn't miss my family. I did, very much. I just didn't see any point in lingering on sorrowful and tearful goodbyes, when all the long years of possibilities stretched in front of us.

But, Bewize, I hear you say, you don't always have long years to go. How do you say goodbye then?

Well, I imagine I say it the same way everyone does: tears, denial, anger, bargaining, and lots and lots of chocolate ice cream. But, even still, there comes a moment when I realize I don't really need to say goodbye.

I don't need closure from my past. It belongs to me and has carved me into the person I am. I could no more say goodbye to it than I could bid farewell to my skin. Sure, some of it is scraped, and some of it scarred, and some of it burns when it's exposed to excessive sunshine, but I take it with me everywhere I go all the same.

None of this means that it doesn’t hurt. Hell, there are days it hurts so bad I forget how to breathe. I've lost people along the way, people I loved, people that loved me. And I miss them, I do. I really do.

But I haven't said goodbye to them.

I have a freckle on my left wrist. My Aunt Edna taught me to tell my left from my right by pointing out that freckle. She died of cancer when I was 8. Every time I see that stupid freckle, I miss her, but I remember her and I smile. I think that somewhere, she’s smiling with me.

When I was 11, we visited WizeMother's family and they took us to the zoo. My Uncle Mike had colon cancer and he spent the entire day in a wheel chair. I have a scar on my right ankle from where I fell in the Aquatic Center. That night, he and I spent hours looking through an Encyclopedia and finding all the different fish we'd seen earlier that day. He died later that year. I never saw him again after that trip, but every time I see my ankle, I think of fish and my uncle.

Some of the marks I bear aren't visible to the naked eye, but they’re there all the same - the handprints on my back where my great aunts hugged me; the flashes of remembered marker tattoos on my biceps from friends that I once played with; the imprints of kisses that linger on my skin from past lovers never to be seen again.

I don’t know what happens when people die. I want to believe that death is nothing but a temporary separation, sort of like going to college. I remember the day I stopped believing in the traditional heaven. My Sunday school teacher, with the epic patience expected of someone in such a position, answered my rather smart-ass question of how we could be at perfect peace in heaven if not all the people we loved were there. I shall save the topic of religion for another day. Suffice it to say that I had issues with the church I grew up in from a very young age.

She told me that we simply wouldn’t remember the people we lost.

Even as a child, I hated that idea. I cringed away from it, more afraid of heaven than of the alternative. I don’t want to forget where I’ve been or the people that I’ve known. I want to remember them, always. I don’t want closure. I want to believe in endless possibilities in the future, instead. I want to believe that while some people go first, eventually I will follow and we will find each other again. Then, I may cry, but it will be tears of happiness that we finally can laugh and talk together once more. Or maybe it will be like when I visited home from college and WizeMother demanded that I bring all my laundry and she'd do it for me! She would also make my favorite food. Now, that's heaven!

Also, if I happen to go first, don't worry. Pursuant to my plan, I would like to go with a BANG, so I expect it will be sudden and shocking. The people left in my passing are to follow these instructions:

1. I like LOUD music. If it must by hymns, please make them loud. Also, if you could work out some way to include a guitar solo, I'd be grateful.
2. Have a drink. Put it on my tab.
3. And for the love of all that's holy, don't say goodbye.

I'll be waiting for you, undoubtedly impatient and demanding that you hurry the hell up already. Maybe my mom was right after all. Maybe I do march into the future with blind faith that I will eventually see everyone that is important to me again. So, I choose not to say goodbye. Instead, I choose to say:

“See you later, don't do anything crazy while I'm gone, love you!"


Hell. I don’t even own a cowboy hat.


~ Bewize

This entry was written in response to the [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Challenge 1: Saying Goodbye. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoyed my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
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Date: 2008-09-23 10:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chix001.livejournal.com
Dude, this rocked.

Date: 2008-09-23 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*twirls you*

Thank you. It's both terrifying and liberating to post something so personal and then wait to see what people think of it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

Date: 2008-09-23 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ninjakat.livejournal.com
I don't know if I've said this to you before, but I wish I were as eloquent as you are. This is why I always stand back and let you take the up the fights/debates on FF. *grins*

Also, I can totally see your mom saying that! ;)

Date: 2008-09-24 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you. That is a wonderful compliment.

And yeah, my mom has a way about her. :)

Date: 2008-09-24 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
This is wonderful!

Date: 2008-09-24 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

Date: 2008-09-24 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spydielives.livejournal.com
I like your perspective!

Date: 2008-09-24 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really pleased that you like it. :)

Another telegram

Date: 2008-09-24 01:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] readinggypsy.livejournal.com
YOU ARE A PHENOMENAL WRITER [STOP]

Re: Another telegram

Date: 2008-09-24 01:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you. Stop. *Grins* *stop*

I miss you. How's life treating you up yonder?

Date: 2008-09-24 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com
Oh wow -- I love your spirit in matters like this! There's a lot to learn from what you've written.

Date: 2008-09-24 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. I'm really very flattered by your comment.

Date: 2008-09-24 04:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boxsofrain.livejournal.com
You freaking rock.

Date: 2008-09-24 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Eee. Thanks! :D

I'm glad you liked this!

Date: 2008-09-24 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gratefuladdict.livejournal.com
Awesome post - both your perspective, and how you shared it.

Date: 2008-09-24 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Date: 2008-09-24 01:55 pm (UTC)
ext_289215: (TAI Butcher sleep)
From: [identity profile] momebie.livejournal.com
I don't need closure from my past. It belongs to me and has carved me into the person I am.

Word.

Date: 2008-09-24 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*nods*

Thanks for reading. :)

Randomly, are you a fan of Death Cab for Cutie? Can I just say how many times I listened to Into the Dark since getting this topic? *urk*

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From: [identity profile] momebie.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-09-24 03:22 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-09-24 03:24 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] jenandbronze.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-09-27 02:37 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-09-28 04:07 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-09-24 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nardaviel.livejournal.com
Beautiful. ♥

Date: 2008-09-24 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thanks hon! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading it. :)

Date: 2008-09-24 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brownstudies.livejournal.com
lovely. Really.

Date: 2008-09-24 02:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you. I appreciate the comment and the compliment. :)

Date: 2008-09-24 05:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catwomyn5.livejournal.com
Wow. This is a little bit of your soul laid out into words on a screen. Bewize = deep

I can't wait to read more.

The idea of you going in a sudden bang made me tear up a bit though.

Date: 2008-09-24 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*hugs you*

Thanks for reading, sweetie. I almost warned you off this post, because I know that the topic is a bit too timely.

I really appreciate that you did, though, and I'm so pleased that you enjoyed it.

The idea of you going in a sudden bang made me tear up a bit though.

Then I shall delay for an indeterminate length of time. :) *hugs*

Love you muchly!

Date: 2008-09-25 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doortoriver.livejournal.com
Very, very good. Veeeery good.

Date: 2008-09-25 05:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I really appreciate your thoughts. :)

Date: 2008-09-25 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkprism.livejournal.com
This was lovely. I like the strength behind the words. :)

~*~

Date: 2008-09-26 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. I'm really pleased you enjoyed it.

Date: 2008-09-25 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dabhug.livejournal.com
Yes, spirited is a good word to describe this. I like your perspective.

Date: 2008-09-26 12:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Date: 2008-09-25 09:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thndrstd.livejournal.com
I really enjoyed this. I remember my mother telling me she was really worried when I had to get on the school bus and go off to kindergarten that I wouldn't. Then the bus arrived and I just marched off, not looking back.

I completely appreciate your sentiment here.

Date: 2008-09-26 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Polar Bear lick! Hehehehe.

Thank you so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And kindergarten buses are scary. Good for you in marching forward!

Date: 2008-09-26 03:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/____hejira/
I did enjoy this entry, particularly the last few lines. It has clear voice, and I need that in a piece. Good work.

Date: 2008-09-26 01:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it.

Date: 2008-09-26 05:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] monkeysugarmama.livejournal.com
Awesome work. I loved the use of subtext to add extrameaning. It kind of reminded me of Jim Gaffigan's asides he uses in his standup, lol!

I need to take your quote "When you dig in the past all you get is dirty" and tattoo it on my forearm!!

Sometimes I think I should let people know what I want at my funeral too, but then I get concerend that if I am that prepared for death, my number will come up sooner than expected.

Date: 2008-09-26 01:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you!

I loved the use of subtext to add extrameaning.

Thank you again! I was hoping it would work. :)

When you dig in the past all you get is dirty" and tattoo it on my forearm!!

I think it's a good motto to live by. Not always an easy one, though.


Sometimes I think I should let people know what I want at my funeral too, but then I get concerend that if I am that prepared for death, my number will come up sooner than expected.

I can see that. But I always figure when it's my turn it's my turn. It's helped me get through a few potentially life threatening events with some dignity attached. I'll either make it or I won't and nothing I can really do about it.

Thanks again for your comments!

Date: 2008-09-26 09:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marjory.livejournal.com
Nice piece!

And I agree with you about that Sunday School teacher...

Date: 2008-09-26 01:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you!

And I agree with you about that Sunday School teacher...

I'm sure she meant well... it just didn't work on me.

Date: 2008-09-26 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] walkertxkitty.livejournal.com
It's not a sentiment I share, as I need my past to remind me not to do certain stupid things again, but I can appreciate it. I don't much like final goodbyes and so I won't attend funerals. In fact, I've left instructions that there's to be none for me. There WILL be drinks, bright colors, laughter, jokes and a celebration of my life and my continued adventure, wherever that went.

Good entry.

Date: 2008-09-26 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even if you don't totally agree with my thoughts. Those are always the best kind of discussions, in my opinion.

I need my past to remind me not to do certain stupid things again

Oh yes, very much indeed. I'm sure I'll get to air my stupider moments in history as the game goes on (provided I'm still in it).

There WILL be drinks, bright colors, laughter, jokes and a celebration of my life and my continued adventure, wherever that went.

This is what I want too. :)

Date: 2008-09-26 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bodlon.livejournal.com
Made of win. S'all I'm saying.

Date: 2008-09-26 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
To which I reply, "EEEE! THANKS!"

Seriously, I consider that a compliment of the highest order. Thanks so much!

Date: 2008-09-27 12:16 am (UTC)
shadowwolf13: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shadowwolf13
Absolutely wonderful and enjoyable to read.

Best of luck in Idol.

Date: 2008-09-28 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Good luck to you, too!

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] shadowwolf13 - Date: 2008-09-28 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-09-27 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sushimustwrite.livejournal.com
I was that kid in Sunday school too--the 'who did Cain marry?', 'how did Moses write Deuteronomy if he died in it?', et cetera, type. Just remember, if you can explain it to your insurance provider, you're in good shape. Cookies and a gold star for you.

Date: 2008-09-28 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Hehehe, so was I.

Mmmm, cookies.

Thanks for reading!

Date: 2008-09-27 01:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] java-fiend.livejournal.com
This is awesome. What a great entry. Seriously. Very, very well done.

Date: 2008-09-28 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] java-fiend.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-09-30 03:08 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-09-27 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rejeneration.livejournal.com
-applauds- Wow! This is marvelous. I love the conversation that goes through this, wound like a silver thread. And it's funny and sweet and very, very clever. And I'm crazily in love with I'm an old school subscriber to the theory that when you dig in the past, all you get is dirty. Look forward, instead!

Remarkable!

Date: 2008-09-28 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm so flattered that you enjoyed it. I really enjoyed your entry this week, too. :)

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