LJI: What comes after "the end"?

[bewize]

This has been a difficult year.

Turmoil. That's the name of the game.

Beginning. Middle. End.

A sick father. A dying father. A dead father.

An infant. A baby. A one year old.

Post-partum depression. Relationship turmoil. Emotional disconnect.

A friend. A liar. A heartache.

This is how my year is gone. Beginning. Middle. End.

Of course, it's not over yet. I'm still here. Still standing. Still fighting the good fight.

But, y'all. I'm tired. And sometimes, I cannot help but wonder if I'm fighting battles because it's important to win them, or if I'm fighting them, because that's all I know to do.

Sometime in the past months, I've gotten... numb? Calm? Resigned? Resolved?

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it means. I do know that the fear I had is gone, though.

I see things more clearly now. The fog is lifting and the great unknowable future looks less foreboding.

This year has been fire. I've lost many things that were important to me. My people. Some of my freedom. Friends that I valued. Pieces of inner-peace. Certainty that my relationship would hold firm. These things have burned away in the ashes of this year.

I spoke to a friend about this recently and she commented, "I know you must be so upset... but you don't sound upset."

That's what I found in the fire. The truth. And the truth is, I'm not upset. I'm not feeling like I've lost; or at least, I didn't lose more than I gained.

Underneath everything else, I found myself again. The ME that is actually ME. The Me that stares down the Future and feels nothing but a firm and unshakable belief that I'll weather those storms, best those demons, and land firmly (if not gracefully) on my feet.

I spent ages trying to figure out what came after "the end," because I wanted a pithy title to this post. I googled. I asked the Facebooks. I got lots of great suggestions: postscript, epilogue, coda, aftermath.

But, in re-reading my post, I realized the answer all on my own.

"What comes after the end"?

"A new beginning."



This entry was written for therealljidol 01.01: ""It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." If there is voting, I will share the poll. Thanks.

Comments

[tatdatcm]

I love the paragraph where you talk about finding yourself again It's such a difficult thing to find when you're facing the things you've faced over the last year. Cheers to your new beginning!

[bewize]

Thank you! I'm looking forward to the last months of the year. I feel like I'm in a much stronger place. :)

[reidharriscooper]

With-in "death" there is always a "Rebirth" of some kind.

Well found in your writing.

[bewize]

Thank you! I'm looking forward to the last months of the year. I feel like I'm in a much stronger place. :)

[rayaso]

I am so sorry to hear about your father, but congratulations on the baby. This sounds like the Year from Hell. I love the way you wrote this, especially the repetition of "beginning middle end." Also, after all this, you end your entry on a hopeful note.

[bewize]

It really was an absolute roller coaster of a year. I'm glad things seem to have calmed down some. :)

Thank you for the comment and the compliment!

[meridian_rose]

Powerful and hopeful.

[bewize]

Thank you! I'm looking forward to the last months of the year. I feel like I'm in a much stronger place. :)

[thephantomq]

"A New Beginning" is definitely the better way to look at things, I agree. <3 And finding yourself again is so, so important.

[bewize]

Haha. I felt so silly when I realized the answer to my question. <3

[wolfden]

We have had very similar years it seems.

Here’s to new beginnings. ❤️

[bewize]

I hope your year going forward is much better. (Mine, too!)

[adoptedwriter]

It's like that saying about one door closing and another one opening. Yes.

[bewize]

It really is.

Life goes on. :)

[dmousey]

Hurray for new beginnings! Sometimes when everything is lost- you find out how resilient you truly are. Not everyone can do that. Sounds like you have a little person who needs you. Keep on rockin' on for them! 😊 💜✌

[bewize]

He's the best, too. Totally worth rocking on for. <3

[the_eternal_overthinker]

*Hugs* Sometimes it really becomes overwhelming and then the calmness re appears. Loved the end (or should I say the new beginning) Very well written piece. Take care and Good luck <3 Looking forward to reading more from you.

[bewize]

Thank you so much!

I always promise myself that I will write the "truth" of my life in LJI. It's a challenge and it forces to me to really open my mind to my life and not just "live in lock step."

[bellatrixe]

I love the conjoined theme of death and birth here.

"What comes after the end"?

"A new beginning."

was my favourite part. and so true!

[bewize]

Thank you so much!

[troof_therry]

Oh, I dig it. I've also found the real me in similar horrible moments and that moment in this piece was definitely evocative for me. Well done.

[bewize]

Thank you so much!

[megatronix]

I love the way you wrote this. I'm sorry to hear it's been such a hard road, but I love that you found yourself again. This is a beautiful piece.

[bewize]

Thank you. I try very hard to be the best Bewize I can be. LOL.

[moretta]

Really gorgeous. Thank you for sharing.

[bewize]

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[murielle]

"But, y'all. I'm tired. And sometimes, I cannot help but wonder if I'm fighting battles because it's important to win them, or if I'm fighting them, because that's all I know to do."

So many times I ask myself this, is it all I know how to do?

Wonderful piece! So sorry you had to go through all of this.

Very well written! Thank you for sharing.

[bewize]

Thank you.

It's a hard decision, to walk away from a fight. But, I have learned that sometimes... you just have to. The "prize" isn't worth the cost.

[halfshellvenus]

I'm so sorry it's been such a hard year. I know that a year ago, things were looking more promising all around, and this was not the year you wanted or needed. Especially losing your father.

But you have such strength, and it comes through in your writing (then and now). I'm confident you will weather anything. I'm just glad you know that too. :)

[bewize]

It was NOT the year I've needed, but...

It was a good year. A centering year. A year that I learned much about myself.

Hopefully this next one to come will be much more fun. Heh.

[encrefloue]

I found this very resonant, especially the notion that we can find ourselves through a loss of what we've attached our identities to. So sorry for your loss, so glad for your new beginning. Thanks for your bravery in sharing.

[bewize]

Thank you.

I think the only way you really find yourself is to lose the things that you think you are, until you realize that you're not. If that makes sense...

Then you see what's left.

[favoritebean_writes]

With each new end, a beginning. This resonates with me.

[bewize]

thank you!

[nayanawrites]

I loved this ... absolutely. I love the realization that you didn't lose more than you gained. At the end that's what we need to realize. And once we do - then we are on the road to a hopeful future. But having said that ... that is such a difficult thing to consistently do. I go on a positive frame of mind in spurts and then I fall back. Well ... Someday !!!

[bewize]

It is a full time avocation, this "live your best life" goal of mine.

It's so worth it, though!

[flipflop_diva]

First of all, I'm so glad you're playing this season of Idol. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and wondering how things were going with the baby.

I'm so sorry this year has been so hard, but I loved how you wrote this entry. And I love the answer you came to. It's just beautiful. And I'm so glad that something good — finding yourself — has come from all the darkness. I hope it only continues to get better!

[bewize]

Thank you so much! I was pleased to see your name pop up in the players list, too! :)

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[tjoel2]

"Underneath everything else, I found myself again."

So true! And ironic how that works, isn't it. :)

[bewize]

Hehe, I guess it is ironic. When everything is gone, there you are.

[alycewilson]

My sympathies for a very rough year, and my admiration for your resilience. As someone who's had a rough past three years, I can sympathize with this. The most important thing, as you say at the end, is to continue to find a way forward and maintain positivity.

[bewize]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough few years. That's hard.

Onward and upward, and, what I say a lot is, "Six feet up is winning."

[alycewilson]

Not nearly as bad as some people I know, and I'm grateful for that. This winter was weird, though. Our cat died of cancer, which brought back grief for my mother like a scab being pulled off a wound. Then a week later, we had a bad storm that knocked out our electricity for several days and had to stay with a friend. It felt so disconnected and depressing. I ate my feelings, gained another 20 pounds, and am just now finding my way back out of the hole.

But there have been a lot of positive moments, too! I'm grateful to my son, a never-ending fountain of creativity and source of joy.