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Disheartened
Dec. 7th, 2010 08:24 pmI am unbelievably disheartened today. Have you ever spent the entire day trying really hard only to have everything thrown back in your face? That was my day today.
S is so unbelievably stressed out that he's noticeably being a jerk. It's noticeable to more than just me - and someone else said something to me about it. Stupidly, that upset me so much that when someone else snapped at me about something tonight, I burst into tears.
I don't do that. I don't cry. But, I'm just worn down.
And it doesn't help that S forwarded me a text from a client (that I'm doing work for free for) saying that I was taking too long. *bashes head against the table*
I am seriously wondering how many drugs I'd have to take to drown myself in the tub. (This is more a passing a thought than any serious threat. But, fuck.)
I can't keep up. Even with help all day today (from 9 - 6), I still can't keep up. I need more time. I need more help. I need to be smarter. I need to be faster. I need... to drown myself in the tub.
I need to call my mom back, but I don't really think I can handle it right now. She sounds as frustrated and upset as I do and I really don't have the social varnish right now to be polite. When you want to scream obscenities at people who are asking you to do fun things? It's time to hide from the public.
I think that I'm so frustrated because I am working my ass off. I really am. I've lost weight this past week just because I've been too stressed to eat and not because of the dieting. I'm not exercising (no time, plus it's cold). Everything is combining to make me litereally want to drown myself in the tub.
Plus the fucking move is making me crazy. There is only so much I can do and I hate that my instinct right now is to cry at being asked to do more. I feel like such a weak, pathetic failure, and I really do hate myself a little bit for feeling that way. I know I'm working my ass off and I need to tell people to back off, but God... why does everyone feel so damn entitled?
*screams*
You know what. Fuck it. I don't want to journal right now and I don't want for people to try and cheer me up. I'm turning off comments so I can wallow in my own mess. I'll be fine. I generally am.
And I won't actually drown myself in the tub.
S is so unbelievably stressed out that he's noticeably being a jerk. It's noticeable to more than just me - and someone else said something to me about it. Stupidly, that upset me so much that when someone else snapped at me about something tonight, I burst into tears.
I don't do that. I don't cry. But, I'm just worn down.
And it doesn't help that S forwarded me a text from a client (that I'm doing work for free for) saying that I was taking too long. *bashes head against the table*
I am seriously wondering how many drugs I'd have to take to drown myself in the tub. (This is more a passing a thought than any serious threat. But, fuck.)
I can't keep up. Even with help all day today (from 9 - 6), I still can't keep up. I need more time. I need more help. I need to be smarter. I need to be faster. I need... to drown myself in the tub.
I need to call my mom back, but I don't really think I can handle it right now. She sounds as frustrated and upset as I do and I really don't have the social varnish right now to be polite. When you want to scream obscenities at people who are asking you to do fun things? It's time to hide from the public.
I think that I'm so frustrated because I am working my ass off. I really am. I've lost weight this past week just because I've been too stressed to eat and not because of the dieting. I'm not exercising (no time, plus it's cold). Everything is combining to make me litereally want to drown myself in the tub.
Plus the fucking move is making me crazy. There is only so much I can do and I hate that my instinct right now is to cry at being asked to do more. I feel like such a weak, pathetic failure, and I really do hate myself a little bit for feeling that way. I know I'm working my ass off and I need to tell people to back off, but God... why does everyone feel so damn entitled?
*screams*
You know what. Fuck it. I don't want to journal right now and I don't want for people to try and cheer me up. I'm turning off comments so I can wallow in my own mess. I'll be fine. I generally am.
And I won't actually drown myself in the tub.