LJ Idol 15: It's Not Paranoia if They're Really Out to Get You.

[bewize]

Warning: I'm not in the best head space at the moment. This entry contains some bad language and a lot of hopelessness and helplessness. Welcome to my life.

***********


"I just feel kinda bad. All this time, I thought you were cracking up. Instead, you were right."

This is what a friend of mine told me today.

Allow me to explain.

When I was in college, I loved my majors. I doubled in political science and history and spent four years learning about the wonders of civilizations past, and the movements and underpinnings that create civilization as I know it. It was a hard course of study, but I reveled in it.

Sure, I had to work hard, but I was fully capable of working hard and doing well.

I loved a good challenge.

"Bewize, can you come into my office?"

"Sure thing, Boss. Be right there." I wasn't even that worried. Sure, I slept like crap last night because I dreamt about work. Sure, I was dreading going into the office today. But who wasn't? It was a Monday. Worse, it was a Monday after a vacation. The only vacation I took all year last year.

"Bewize, I'm afraid we have a problem."

There's always a problem.

The problem with a liberal arts degree is that it usually isn't that practical. I mean, sure I was now qualified to think. Great. Who wants to pay me for that? Would you like fries with that?

My sophomore year, I took a job in a law firm. I hated it. I hated it.

But, I've always had a masochistic streak in me.

I went very still and took a seat on the leather sofa. I crossed my legs and set down my pen and pad of paper. "What's wrong?"

"I'm having some serious issues with your billing practices."

"Okay."

"I want you to know that I very well may have to let you go."

"Okay."

"You're very calm about this."

"Would you prefer I have a hysterical breakdown?"

I must have been out of my mind.

I took the first job I was offered – working at a law firm. It was a sole practitioner in wills, trusts and estates. I loved it. I loved it.

"Bewize, you should go on to law school. You'd be great at it!"

"You think so, Cool Boss?"

"I do. I'll write you a letter of recommendation. I know the Dean!"

Everything happened so fast. I applied, I was accepted, I won a scholarship.

Done deal, right? Here I was, law school bound. I would be great at it! I would.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

No idea…

"Your billing seems disproportionate with the work you've got."

"I'm not sure what you mean? I billed the required 2,000 hours."

"I just think you were stretching."

"Well, I admit I was liberally billing, but that's because you told me to. Remember when I was in here in September and you ripped my head from my body and told me to bill 2,000 hours? No matter what? Come hell or high water? Period? The end?"

"I don't want to get into proportioning blame."

It was all my fault.

I hated law school. I hated it. But then I let a professor talk me into doing a externship with Legal Aid.

I loved it. I loved it. I got to work with clients, who had real problems. I got to help them and sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I could make it better for them.

My supervisor loved me. She said I showed a lot of promise.

Then she introduced me to Crazy Boss.

I was doomed.

"Okay. How do you want to discuss my billing if I'm not allowed to discuss the circumstances in which I billed? And need I point out that I only have six cases? Normally, associates have closer to 50."

"Do you see what you're doing? I don't want to go down that path."

"I’m sorry, but we're going to."

"Fine, but tomorrow. I'm about to leave today. And I want you to spend some time thinking about this."

"But only freak out a little bit."

Crazy Boss was crazy. In the two years I worked at that firm, I was screamed at, humiliated, berated, belittled, and worked to death.

I gained 50 pounds. I drank every day. Everyone I know begged me to find a new job.

But I just wasn't doing it right. Surely, if I worked hard enough, I would get it right. Surely.

I mean, so Crazy Boss threw things – he was upset. So, he got banned from the court house – he was upset. So, he used to make us close the blinds and go through the trash so They wouldn't know what we were doing – he was… well, he was crazy.

Then came the final straw.

"Bewize, I think we should consider whether or not you have a future at this firm."

"When you come in tomorrow, we'll meet. I'd like for you to give me a list of reasons that I shouldn't let you go. I've discussed this with your coworkers."

"I don't know what you want me to say… I really don't know what to say to that."

"Perhaps the problem is me. Perhaps I was too insistent on you getting your hours. Maybe there really just isn't enough work for you."

"That doesn't help me at all."

"No, it doesn't."

I don't know what to do.

I quit working for Crazy Boss when he accused me of being on drugs. He also told me I was lazy, and this was the Monday after I'd spent 36 consecutive hours at work the week before, and worked over the weekend.

Right. I was lazy. I was obviously mentally unbalanced.

"I'm not on drugs."

"Neither am I."

"Should you be?"

"I don't know what you mean by that."

"I think you know exactly what I mean by that."

"Are you okay? Well, as okay as you can be given the circumstances?"

"Yes. I'm fine."

This is just a job. I'm not dying. No one I love is dying. Whatever happens, it will be okay.

A few hours after this conversation, I heard about the Partners' Meeting and I heard about the 10% let go plan. I also heard about the two Partners who left the firm this afternoon.

I heard about all of this and I felt… something.

I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop so long that it's almost a relief that it finally has. I'm not dumb. I've seen the writing on the wall for the past three months.

But the past really does haunt you.

"I just feel kinda bad. All this time, I thought you were cracking up. Instead, you were right."

"Yeah."

"I mean, I just thought you were fucked up in the head thanks to that last asshole."

"Gee, thanks."

"You know what I mean. You have the worst luck when it comes to bosses."

"I do."

"What are you going to do?"

I was unemployed for three months. I walked out. I can't believe I walked out. But what choice did I have?

I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't. So I didn't.

And then I found this job. It was like an answer to my prayers.

Some answer.

"What are you going to do?"

I'm single and live alone. I have almost $75,000 of student debt. I depleted my savings when I was unemployed before.

"My default position, Bewize, is to keep you. I just want to hear your thoughts on the situation before I decide."

I've made myself sick for the past three months trying to make my hours. I haven't liked a job I've held since 2004. I can no longer trust my oh-so-chatty coworkers.

So tell me. What am I supposed to do?

Because I'm completely clueless. All I know is that I was right. I was right to feel paranoid.

I guess that's my fucking consolation prize.

This entry was written in response to the therealljidol Challenge 15: Cracking Up. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Comments

[supremegoddess1.livejournal.com]

I've already read the "non-entry" version of this you posted earlier - it was fascinating to see how you turned into a nicely crafted entry. Excellent work.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

How stressful! Hang in there. Creative way to lay this out.

[superhappytime.livejournal.com]

I really liked this entry and thought it was strong.

As for the circumstance, I'm somewhat familiar with it...because I haven't liked where I've worked for years (multiple places), because I quit a job where I didn't like the people, because I have the experience and academic success to believe I should be able to find something I enjoy....

What to do? I wish I knew the answer to that...I would hope that as an attorney you can find work soon, if it comes to that.

[kathrynrose.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I hope you find something that's good for you.

[strangevisitor7.livejournal.com]

This is an amazing piece. You are amazing for putting up with crazy for so long. *hugs* There is the right job out there for you!! *hugs and crosses fingers*

[worlddescending.livejournal.com]

This is brilliantly written and painful at the same time. You deserve better, no doubt.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Different career, but I've worked with The Crazy before, too. Be careful; it's contagious.

Best of luck to you in your job search. I feel your pain.

[boxsofrain.livejournal.com]

Great. Who wants to pay me for that? Would you like fries with that?

This line cracked me up. In seriousness, hang in there. I hope things work out, and working for someone like that is not healthy at all.

[shane-mayhem.livejournal.com]

You are right. Liberal arts degrees, teach us how to think, and in the corporate world, people don't like that. Generally.

I'm very impressed you went to law school after. Was it what you really wanted to do?

Have you considered looking for work with a non-profit? Or something of the like? I know this is me, knowing nothing about law, just throwing ideas out there, but it seems to me that you have a lot of passion, and that a lot of progressive causes could use a lot of passion. Or, maybe you need to "get away" for a while. You're single...it's hard, it's scary, but maybe you could try something totally different. A sabbatical. A retreat. The ocean. The mountains. I don't know. I just really, really wish I could help.

*hug.*

[catwomyn5.livejournal.com]

You are amazing. Beautiful job!

[sophieschoice79.livejournal.com]

this was really good. *hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I mean, sure I was now qualified to think. Great. Who wants to pay me for that? Would you like fries with that?

I know.

The thing about discussing it with your co-workers just riles me. Like before when I was falling into my malaise at work and my boss called me in to ask if I really wanted to be doing what I was doing (I don't, but I sure like to pay rent!) and told me that 'everyone' had seen me on gmail and that I needed to rethink my motivation. 'Everyone'. As if they had a pow wow one day while I was out and they were asked to show hands. Granted, everyone for me is seven people, but it still feels like a betrayal. Especially when I was getting my work done, albeit lacklusterly.

I just know where you are right now, and I'm proud you did what you did this afternoon. I wish you all the best in whatever new happens, because obviously this guy doesn't know what he's losing.

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

I had a crazy boss too at one point, maybe everyone has? I had thought my case was unique, but maybe not.

Very well written entry.

I don't have any advice for you, do what you need to do, what is right for you.

[shadowwolf13]

My ex husband used to say that just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I wish you the best of luck in finding something soon that makes you happy.

[edith-jones.livejournal.com]

This entry was really well written. In my opinion, you need to find a job where you don't feel sick on the drive in and don't spend your evenings counting the hours before you have to go back in the next day. I've been there. I was a secretary for a man for two years who fired me for wearing white pants to work [?????] and for not putting the stamps on envelopes straight enough, and who came freshly showered to meetings, wrapped only in a towel around his waist. Totally nuts. I hope you find something soon that makes you happy and fulfilled, and where you are appreciated.

[doortoriver.livejournal.com]

Gods... I told you you weren't crazy.

That son of a bitch....

[jfargo.livejournal.com]

Free advice is worth everything you pay for it, so I have none to share. You wrote this well. It wasn't ~enjoyable~, per se, but powerful and interesting.

I do hope things get better for you.

[just-the-ash.livejournal.com]

Damn. Damn. The entry is well written, but I'm so sorry about the circumstances.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about this dreadful experiences. I've had crazy bosses, too. They're the worst.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a horrible situation. I'm so sorry you had to deal with it.

I, too, know that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's never pleasant, but then, when it does drop, it's almost a relief.

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

I had a boss who decided he had a problem with my personal phone calls. He said the lads in the dept didn't like how much I did it. So I asked them. Turns out they made more, they were just in a position to do it out of sight. He lied and I'd say there's a good chance your boss is too.

I hope you find the right job or career soon.

[libra-dragon.livejournal.com]

Wow....
I could relate to somethings on this piece on so many levels or have thoughts about it on many levels.

I have a liberal arts degree and still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

I always wanted to go to law school, thought law was my calling but couldn't get in to save my life thanks to the LSAT. However working in law firms for some crazy nutty bosses and seeing how some attorneys were pushed to the brink made me realize it was not quite my calling.

Best wishes to you and I hope you find the right career.

[abbismom.livejournal.com]

"I'm not on drugs."

"Neither am I."

"Should you be?"

I just love this exchange.

This situation completely sucks. Crazy people shouldn't be allowed to supervise people, but they almost always seem to get promoted! Best of luck to you.

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Having worked in a place where my boss was a total psycho I can relate. This must be so stressful. Take care of yourself.

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

I can relate to not being happy in my job. I hope this all works out for you, I will thing happy thoughts for you all week.

[darkprism.livejournal.com]

Very well written, and I wish you only good things.

~*~

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

This is an amazing piece of work. I love it (though I dislike severely the circumstances that you went through to have written it).

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

Unbelievable :shaking head: I saw your addendum to this in the GR, and all I can say is -- why the hell did they put you through all that to begin with????? Were they expecting you to run screaming into the void or something?

:head desk:

You'll get through this. You will.

[walkertxkitty.livejournal.com]

Well written. You really managed to convey the tension and the way you were torn in multiple directions. I hope you find something which makes you happy and in which you feel appreciated most of the time.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

Since I've seen you've left the job, I am so sorry to hear about this, but I have to say you wrote this entry quite amazingly well.

[rosepurr.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I'm sorry. That sucks a lot. :(

[spydielives.livejournal.com]

Nothing witty from me... I hope that things will work out the way you wish.

The entry? I love the way it is put together.

[rejeneration.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to get into proportioning blame." How disgusting... am I right? Ugh! I just want to beat someone after reading this! It makes me so disappointed. And least of all in YOU.

Oh, and consider voted for, darlin'. =)

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

There is not much worse than a psycho boss.

Mine told me I "needed to be more like MLK Jr and less like the Black Panthers." That I was too aggressive. Sheesh.

[lilmissmagic71.livejournal.com]

excellent entry... sucky situation.

*hopes the best for you*

[pinkslit.livejournal.com]

Ack, I had crazy boss once too...he's still my partner's boss and my brother's business partner so he's not as far removed as I wish. Great entry.

[dabhug.livejournal.com]

Reading this I was on the verge of cracking up, myself.

I mean that in a good way. This is so real to me.

I like the way you've laid this out, it adds to the realness, I think.

Good job.

[amandakcampbell.livejournal.com]

Great entry, though I am sorry you have to live through the inspiration. :( I hope that everything starts tipping toward sanity.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

The crazy, no matter what you do, are always out to haunt you =/

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

Nothing like dealing with the crazy bosses. *hugs*

[shaze.livejournal.com]

"Crazy Boss was crazy. In the two years I worked at that firm, I was screamed at, humiliated, berated, belittled, and worked to death."

You and I should just get together and start a new business. This sounds exactly like my boss.

This was wonderfully written! I wish you the best of luck this year.

[minikin.livejournal.com]

I really liked the way you interleaved time in this piece. Very nicely written.