bewize

Yesterday morning I received a phone call about my great aunt. She'd fallen over the weekend and landed on a radiator. Without any idea what caused the fall and because she suffered several severe burns, she was transferred to the Burn Center in Augusta, Georgia.

I am the only relative who could reach her - or who was willing to go. While I will resist giving into the anger I feel at other relatives at the moment, I am nearly overcome with it.

But this isn't about me. It's about her.

She's 91 and tiny and frail and dying.

I saw her yesterday in the ICU. I had to put on a gown and footies and gloves and a hairnet and a face mask. I almost couldn't find anywhere to touch her, but I did. I held her hand. I told her about my cats and my move and my godson and the book I'm writing.

She was always a religious woman and so I dredged up remembered childhood prayers and whispered the words in hopes that God would still listen to me if I was talking about her.

Our Father, who art in Heaven

How could you do this to her?

Hallowed be thy Name

I only speak your name in curses anymore. When did that happen?

Thy kingdom come,

I hope it is coming for you, Aunt Jo.

Thy will be done,

This is why we don't talk anymore, God. I don't see your will in so much of what happens, I'm not sure you exist.

on earth as it is in heaven.

If you do exist, I'm pretty sure you've turned your back on the whole world. Not that I blame you.

Give us this day our daily bread,

She's so thin. And they want me to tell them not to give her a feeding tube. Oh, God.

and forgive us our trespasses,

I hope you forgive me, God, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what I'm about to do.

as we forgive those who trespass against us;

I wonder if Aunt Jo will forgive me. I wonder if I forgive people who need it.

and lead us not into temptation,

I want a drink. I want to be drugged into numbness.

but deliver us from evil.

I'll settle for being delivered from the more annoying of your followers.

I finished the prayer and Aunt Jo twitched one finger in my hand. I could feel it. It was the only indication she gave me that she could hear me or knew I was there or was alive at all.

I left her side a few minutes later and signed the DNR. Today they are taking her off the blood pressure drip.

I hope that was what she meant.

God help me, God forgive me, God damn it all.

Amen.