bewize

I'm excited that today's 3w4dw non-fannish topic is writing. This has been something that has been brewing in my brain for a while and I'm hopeful that perhaps people will have thoughts (that they'd like to share with me) on the topic.

I've been telling stories since I was an itty-bitty child. I remember dictating them to my brother, who would write them down for me. I remember taking the writing assignments in school very personally, because I often would wander away from teh stricly assigned topic to go wherever my imagination took me.

But it just didn't seem practical to want to be a writer. Instead, I became a lawyer. While this wasn't the most brilliant decision I'd ever made, it does relate in may ways. I use the written word *every day* in my job to get my point across. I draft letters and pleadings and briefs, all of which depend on my skill with language, to prove how We Win and They Lose.

I'm good at it. Sometimes, I even enjoy it.

But it just doesn't have that *spark* of creativity in it. On my own time, I've written countless short stories and several novels. I tend to dismiss them, though, because they're either just "practice" or they are some form of fanfiction (and we all know that's not *real* writing, right?) or I never try and do anything else with them.

It's a very unusual event for me to be intimidated, but there you have it. Putting my writing out there for people to judge is hard. I'm afraid that if I really go for it - and honestly, I have no idea what that would entail - that I would fail. And I hate failing. (See the lawyering side of me for an example of my ingrained competitiveness.)

In February of 2009, I got laid off. While it was a blow to my ego (and my finances!), it pushed me to take a few chances. I had a friend from college who worked as an editor for a newspaper, and she'd read some of the posts I'd made for LJ Idol (all visible under the tag of the same name). She approached me about writing an article for the paper and seeing how it worked out. She even said she'd pay me.

So, I wrote an article. I actually interviewed David Cook, of American Idol fame, and wrote up an article pimping out his upcoming concert. It went over pretty well. It went over well enough that I was offered a second article. Then a third. Then a regular weekly article.

I was being paid to write and it felt fucking amazing.

Somewhere along the line, I got offered an additional article. Then a second additional article. Then a third... you get the idea. Now I write two weekly articles for the paper. Plus, I usually write a few extra pieces over the course of the month, too.

In the last two months, I've easily written 25 articles for the paper. That's quite a few more than one a week.

I have another friend who works for a group of magazines. She saw the success I was having with the paper and asked if I was interested in writing for her. I was. I did. Now I usually write two articles a month for her various magazines.

I get paid for this.

I would like to take a second and repeat that: I get paid for this!

But you know what? I still don't feel like a writer. When I introduce myself, I say that I'm a lawyer (unless I'm introducing myself in my writing capacity to an interviewee). A few months ago, I wrote a series of articles about a book festival/fair and I interviewed a dozen professional writers.

One of them - who has won a HUGO Award - told me that he envied me my job, because I got to write for a living. A HUGO Award winner envied me, because I am a professional writer. Well, that was news to me, and other than the highly rocked world view I had - and the boost to my ego - I started to wonder why I don't feel like a writer.

Granted, my fiction has never been published. Granted again, I don't pursue it because of the aforementioned fear of failure.

I realized then that it comes down to a question of courage. Am I so afraid of failure that I'm willing to pretend to be something other than what I am to avoid bruises to my ego?

Horrifyingly, the answer - at least the answer that my actions suggest - is yes.

I hate being a coward. And I try very hard to not be a liar.

So you know what? I am a writer. Not just because I like it. Not just because I get paid to do it. Because I am good at it.

This goes back to the idea of owning your awesome. I *am* good at it. I'm not the best in the world, no, but I'm learning and working hard and, damn it, I'm good at it!

Last week, I interviewed Lauretta Hannon. She's a professional author who was just named as one of Georgia's most influential writers. Today, I got an email from her:

Dear [Bewize},

Just wanted to say thanks for the great article. I read it online, and I'm hearing that it looks good, too. My family has gotten copies for me. Bravo to you on a job well done!

Stories are everything,
Lauretta

Bravo to me on a job well done. That's what she said. Perhaps, I should spend a little more time saying that to myself, too. And perhaps, it's time to quit being a coward and really go for it, whatever that means.

The only thing I have to fear is fear itself. Next time someone asks, I'm going to say, "I'm a writer and a lawyer." We'll see what happens from there.

And now I have to go and finish writing the two articles I have due today. Cheers all!