bewize | LJ Idol 6: Don't Make Me Come Down There!

My Final Wishes, or, How to Live Happily After My Death: In Order to Promote Peace and Harmony Among My Friends and Family Upon the Occasion of My Death

(1) This After-Life Plan should be followed to the letter by friends and family presupposing that they do not wish for me to haunt their asses. As I have given this matter a great deal of thought, I determined that the best course of action was to put my wishes in writing, along with the predetermined consequences. This document is a legally recorded statement of my wishes and should be given due and proper consideration. Failure to do so will result in consequences of a spiritual, unsettling and disquieting nature as specified below.

(2) My Wake:

a) My body is to be put on display for a traditional wake. I will leave my friends in charge of renting out the James Joyce and convincing them that a coffin is perfectly acceptable décor. Failure to do so will result in two weeks of haunting, consisting of slammed doors, furniture that moves by itself, and socks that go missing from the sock drawer.

b) At this wake, everyone is to consume at least three shots of a liquor beverage of their choosing. Beer and wine do not count. Failure to do so will result in one week of haunting for each drink declined. Said haunting will consist of broken dishes, cars that won't start in the morning and a hot water heater that produces no hot water.

(3) My Remains:

a) Upon the conclusion of my wake, my body is to be interned at a lovely cemetary of my family's choosing. I would like to be buried facing east and under a large oak tree. I do not care how difficult this is to accomplish. Failure to accomplish this simple task will result in one month of haunting, to coincide with the Holiday Season and running from approximately Thanksgiving to Christmas. Said haunting will consist of perpetually burnt food, Christmas trees lights that burn out, and the sudden loss of all scent from scented candles. This haunting may be repeated as often as I, in my sole discretion, find necessary to make my point and express my displeasure.

b) Prior to my burial, four locks of hair are to be cut from my head. If I have gone bald for some reason, you will have to be creative. I leave this in your capable hands. These locks are to be passed to the four people who feel that they knew me best. Such decision is to be made by one of two means: 1) jello wrestling or 2) karaoke. (This leniency is granted only because I do not know how old I will be when I die, therefore, I offer the second option in order to avoid broken hips amongst the living.) These locks of hair are to be deposited in four places: 1) the top of Mount Kilimanjaro; 2) the deepest part of the Louisiana Bayou; 3) the North Pole and 4) the moon. (These destinations were chosen because I would like to visit these places, but foresee difficulty doing so during my life time.) Failure to abide by any aspect of this wish will result in one year of haunting. Said haunting will consist of rattling windows, cold spots, unexplained visions of people just outside your line of sight, inexplicable noises, and the inability to listen to any music except Queen. Fail at your own peril.

(4) Religious Services:

a) I leave any of you with degrees in theology or religion in charge of my religious service. I hereby request that tasteful music is not played at all. Instead, I would like live bands to mourn my passing with heavy metal, hard rock, screaming obscenities, and a mosh pit. Any of you who do not fear broken hips are required to crowd surf. Sermons should be tasteful and should emphasize the virtues of my life. I realize that this may be a lengthy process, but as I am dead, I have no where else to be so will quite look forward to this event. I leave those of you who attended live music events with me responsible for choosing the bands that will play. Failure to accomplish this type of service will result in a lifetime of haunting. Said haunting will consist of a sudden fear of round objects, the dislike of any and all pets, and small children screaming and running from you in terror.

(5) Memorial Marker:

a) It is my wish that a memorial be placed at my grave site so that the ones I leave behind can visit me once each year to mourn. Failure to do so will result in one day of haunting when absolutely nothing will go according to plan. Discretion to determine such day is vested solely in me. I will go out of my way to pick a day that is important to you for some reason, so I suggest that you visit my grave you bunch of ingrates.

b) The marker is to consist of a small, but anatomically correct, marble statue of Viggo Mortensen poised as "The Thinking Man." It would be my preference that he pose for such piece, provided he is still in life. If he is not in life, rest assured that I will have tracked him down and we will be watching the construction together, with equal interest. Failure to provide such a marker will result in five years of haunting. Said haunting will occur anytime that you attempt to take a vacation and will result in flight delays, incorrect bills, bungled hotel reservations and lost luggage.

(6) General Statements: I reserve the right to haunt anyone for a short period of time, not to exceed three days a year, should I get bored. Said haunting will not be accompanied by any type of noticeable disturbance, although I will do my best to let you know that I am near. I reserve the right to haunt anyone who needs quiet company, said haunting to last as long as it is needed. I reserve the right to haunt anyone on the occasion of their wedding, the birth of a child, or other such special event that proceeds great joy. (I will not haunt anyone on their wedding night. I do have better things to do than be a voyeur.) Finally, I promise that I will be there to meet anyone on the day of their death to give them welcoming hugs, show them around, and point out all the best ways to haunt people.

So stated this 31st day of October, 2008.

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 6: Ghosts. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

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LJ Idol 6: Don't Make Me Come Down There!

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