bewize | LJ Idol 9: The Boy and Girl Scouts Ain't Got Nothing On Me! *

I have a dream.

Wait, let me rephrase that - I have a nightmare. Yes, that's better. Even more to the point, I have a recurrent nightmare. Good. Let's go with that.

I have a recurrent nightmare.

I think it might be one that other people have as well. It involves having a discussion with someone and then realizing in mid-sentence that I am totally naked. Following this realization, there is usually pointing, laughing, mocking, and the occasional scream of terror.

My palms sweat.

I start to feel sick to my stomach.

I wonder how on God's earth I managed to go outside of my home without any clothes on.

I plot revenge against all the friends I saw earlier that day who didn't tell me, "Oh, hey. By the way, you're a little underdressed."

Naked.

I'm standing there naked. Nude. In the buff. Sporting the Birthday Suit. Sunning my buns. Sans clothing. En flagrante.

OMFG, I'M NAKED! Cue the hysterical freak out. Should I cover myself with my hands? Which part? Should I run? Should I pretend like I don't notice? Is there a jacket/blanket/tarp/roll of paper towels nearby? Is there anyway I will survive this???

I start rationalizing. This is a dream. It has to be a dream. There's no way I'm naked. Nu uh, not a chance. This isn't happening to me!!!

Then I wake up.

My palms are still sweating.

I still feel a touch sick to my stomach.

But at least I don't feel quite so ridiculously stupid anymore.

Now, if you will pardon my rather abrupt segue, I'd like to discuss a tactic taught to me in Weight Watchers (although given that I'm a WW member, I'm sure you appreciate even more now how freaked out I would be about being naked in public). This tactic is called, "Imagining."

I'm sure you're blown away by that tactic name, but let me assure that it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The basic gist of it goes like this - when you know that you're going to be in a situation that could be hard to weather, you imagine yourself succeeding.

Work lunch? Suggest a good restaurant with low calorie meals and imagine yourself ordering one of them.

Dinner with friends? Volunteer to make the desert and then imagine them liking it.

See how it works?

The advice of my (most excellent) WW leader is to imagine the scenario in your mind over and over until you're comfortable with it. Observe the places where it could go wrong. Make decisions to avoid those potential pitfalls. Imagine the situation going right.

According to my leader, all this "day dreaming" will make the actual event easier.

(I'm sure some of you see where I'm going with this. Do you have your hands clapped over your eyes yet?)

Now, stick with me just a bit longer, folks, because I'd like to tell you a little story. This tale involves me, some friends, a long weekend, a cabin in the woods, a hot tub and more alcohol than is good for anyone.

I learned an important lesson that weekend. Drinking booze in a hot tub results in a much quicker state of intoxication. Especially if you skipped dinner. Even more especially if you skipped lunch.

Upon realizing that I was not long destined for consciousness, I wisely chose to abandon the hot tub. I was afraid I'd drown and none of my companions would be in any shape to rescue me. I climbed out, staggered to the room I was staying in, and began rummaging for clothes to change into so I could pass out in the relative comfort of my bed.

Hark! A knock on the door, followed by the concerned voice of my friend's husband. "Bewize, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Tired."

"Do you want some water?"

Did I? Even in the foggy state of my inebriated mind, it seemed like a good idea. I could be dry and comfortable and have water to drink. Yes, that sounded lovely.

"Yes, please."

Happy with my plan of action, I stripped out of my bathing suit and took enough time to dry my hair with a towel. Then... it happened.

Dum dum duuuuuummmmmmmmmm!

The door just... opened.

And in walks my friend's husband, holding out the glass of water to me. "Here you go... Oh, my God!"

The door is open. There are other people in the living room, all with clear views.

Cue the sweaty palms and nausea. Or wait, maybe that was the beer/hot tub combo still haunting me.

I looked up and into the shocked eyes of my friend's husband, who by the way was still staring and not making any attempt at all to look away. "Thank you for the water."

I reached out and took it. He did his best fish out of water impression and then fled into the other room, slamming the door behind him. "She was naked!"

Yes, I was naked. In front of the semi-public. In front of someone else's husband!

Was it time to cue the panicked flailing? The hysteria? The mortified praying for death and deliverance? Slowly, I got dressed, trying to decide how I felt.

Mortified? Check.

On the verge of hysterical laughter? Check.

Drunk? Not so much... It turns out that having your friend's husband walk in on you while you're drunk and naked sobers you up astonishingly quickly. Who knew?

A few minutes later, there is a knock on my door. I'm dressed now, and really, how much worse could it get. "Come in."

Enter my friend, laughing so hard she has tears running down her cheeks. "So, I hear you gave my husband a peep show."

"Sort of."

"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm pissed off."

That sobered her up. "Why?"

"Don't people usually get paid for this kind of thing?"

I hear everyone in the other room start roaring with laughter, and a very faint... "I'll give you a dollar later."

Now, three years later, I've heard this story at holiday parties, BBQs, football games, and more. I am forced to witness the astonished, sympathetic, amused and lecherous reactions of those hearing it for the first time, because my friend, her husband, and others who were at the cabin all still find it just hysterical. It has become the stuff of legend.

I have received compliments on my poise ("I still can't believe you just took the glass and said thank you without trying to cover yourself.") and my boobs ("Don't take this the wrong way, but... nice."). I still haven't received any money.

The moral of this story is this: Sometimes, no matter how many times you plan for or imagine a certain scenario - you will never be prepared for it. But that's okay, because being unprepared doesn't always mean failure. Sometimes, it's really best to just fly by the seat of your pants.

Or without them, as the case may be.

And for the record? I still have that nightmare.

* I trust that I don't have to explain that the Scout's motto is "Be Prepared." Yet, I explain anyway. Because I am prepared. *wink*

This entry was written in response to the

therealljidol Challenge 9: Unprepared. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

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From:

baxaphobia.livejournal.com

This is absolutely hysterical! Great entry!!!!!

From:

LJ Idol 9: The Boy and Girl Scouts Ain't Got Nothing On Me! *

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