LJ Idol 14: My Will is Resolute and Remorseless

[bewize]

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ~Jean Houston



If I were to die tomorrow, I would hope that most people would say, "Bewize - she knew how to really live life. I want to be more like her."

My single biggest fear in the world isn't homicidal maniacs, mutant bugs, or airplane crashes. It's failing to seize opportunities and one day looking back and thinking that I always played things safe. I am afraid that I will be boring.

When I titled my live journal, I called it, "The Brilliance of My Own Small Shipwreck." I hope it captures the essence of what I'm trying to express here. This is my life, good or bad. This is what I get. It may not be "fair" or "easy" or anything else that I think it should be, but I can't control what I can't control.

From where I sit right now, comfortable on my sofa, in my own apartment, watching The Rundown on television, there are 364 days and 2 hours left in 2009. I know that some of the hours to come will be unpleasant. There will be a lot of time spent at work, some days where I'm sick, entire weeks when I feel completely out of control, and if the past 30 years are any indication, at least a bit of that time will be spent pissed off, upset, in tears, in despair, and afraid of the future.

But I also see the possibilities that lay scattered over the next 8,738 hours as well.

I see hugs and laughter with new friends and old friends alike. I see frosty pints of beer and muggy evenings watching baseball. There will be movies that make me scream in excitement, lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed, the beauty of unexpected rainstorms and the rainbows that follow, new songs that make me tap my feet.

There will be bubble baths and manicures. There will be amazing restaurant meals and home made PBJ sandwiches. There will be funny stories, and happy stories, and maybe even some romantic stories.

And I hope that I'm resolute enough to seize the happy times, ignore the bad times, and enjoy the brilliance that is my own small shipwreck.

So, since I can't control everything, I shall do what I can to make the things I can control manageable.

These are not resolutions, so much as they are guidelines.

I want to be healthier.

Last year, I began trying to regain control of my body. I decided to loose weight, and joined Weight Watchers to do it. I've had success and I'd like to have more success. I won't pretend that part of it is about looking "prettier," in my own opinion. I like putting on clothes and thinking that they flatter me. I like being able to shop in any store I walk into and finding clothes that fit.

I like having to go back to the rack for a smaller size.

But, it's not all about being thin. It's about eating healthier and exercising more. It's about learning to relax so that I am not plagued by migraines and stomach ulcers.

I'm not dumb, despite some evidence to the contrary which we shall not discuss. I know what must be done. Eat better. Exercise more. Sleep more. Take more time for myself. Stop over committing.

They seem like such easy things to do when I type them here, but in the 30 years I've been alive I haven't mastered them yet. But, I still have 8,737 hours to try and master them this year.

I would like to be less stressed.

I need to learn to manage my time better. Work hard, play hard, live to the fullest. I would like to make that my motto this next year. The hours I’m at work, I want to focus on work. The hours I’m not at work, I'd like to quit letting it haunt me.

I'm good at my job. I could be great at it. If I find a balance, I will be great at it.

This year, I will take a vacation. I will not work every Saturday, but I will keep working every other Saturday because it lets me make a good impression and stay organized.

Speaking of which, I will get organized. I will make to do lists. I will figure out how to use the phone system. I will make sure to file my emails on a weekly basis. And so help me God, I will start doing my timesheets on a daily basis.

Organization is key.

Work is work, but I would like to be organized at home too. I want my finances straightened out. I want to save money and still have enough to do the fun things that make life worth living.

I'm tired of clutter. I'm tired of not being able to find things that I know I have… somewhere in my house, anyway.

I want to focus on the things that make me happy.

For example, my writing. I love it. I live and breathe it more often than not. It is always on my mind. I would like to see what happens if I really focus on it. Can I get a story published?

It would be a dream come true, but I'll never know if I'm good enough if I don't suck it up, take some risks, and send things out to publishers.

I want to take up a hobby that forces me to spend some time outdoors and away from computers. Maybe kayaking, maybe hiking, maybe something else. There is a whole world out there, and I'd like to see some of it this year.

I want to laugh more.

In sum, this is the only true resolution that I’m making. I want to laugh more in the next year. I want to hold my sides, tears streaming down my face, and giggle. I want to snicker and hoot and chortle and cackle. Maybe I'll even try and guffaw from time to time.

When I look back at 2008, I see too many times that I didn't laugh, because I was afraid or distracted or absorbed in something that really didn't turn out to be that important. I see moments where I cowered in fear and I think I'd be better served if I learned to laugh in its face.

Because while there are still many things left to learn there is one thing I have learned. What will be, will be. It is what it is. I have no control over so many things.

But I can control myself.

In the year 2009, when I have a choice, I will choose to laugh.

I wish you all the very best in 2009. May it be a year filled with laughter.

The title of this entry is inspired by this Winston Churchill quote – “I have never accepted what many people have kindly said-namely that I inspired the nation. Their will was resolute and remorseless, and as it proved, unconquerable. It fell to me to express it.”

This entry was written in response to the therealljidol Challenge 14: Resolute. There will be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Comments

[darkprism.livejournal.com]

This was so hopeful and beautifully written.

I wish you the very best in 2009...and I hope I will laugh more than anything else, myself. :)

~*~

[bewize.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)