I am not a grown up...

[bewize]

I really suck at being a grown up, y'all. I mean... total failure. This is the second time in a year that I've had to move, and it's the second time in as many moves that every box makes me just want to cry with despair. There are a multitude of reasons for that, but at the end... I just don't want to do it.

I know that you have to do what you HAVE To DO, but I don't want to. I want to just... give up. I hate moving. It freaks me out. It stresses me inordinate, unreasonable, unaccountable amounts. I just want to curl into a ball and wait until They (whoever They are) come and move all my crap for me.

At least this time, I can do some of the packing. Although, in furtherance of my "not a grown up" comment, V was helping me earlier today and made me stop because "you're starting to wheeze again."

Y'all... I just don't know.

How on earth did anyone ever decide that I was an adult? There must be a test somewhere that I've just forgotten to take and I'm fooling everyone, right?

Right now, at this moment, I don't want to talk to the crazy client that should be here in any minute. I don't want to go home and finish packing my dressers. I don't want to figure out what the hell I need to do with the rest of my stuff. I don't want to figure out about whether or not I need more storage. I don't want to figure out if I'm doing the right thing or just wussing out (a la Steve's comment). I don't want to figure out if I should diminish one credit card payment in favor of another. I don't want to figure out what to do with BCBS's letter telling me that my personal info was hijacked. I don't want to look up more information about freezing my credit. I don't want to keep playing nice around the office. I don't want to keep playing nice with my step-dad. I don't want to keep being grateful to friends for making sure I stay alive, because I'm clearly too stupid to do it myself. I don't want to stop for gas for the car. I don't want to stop for milk for my coffee. I don't want to do more laundry. I don't want to do more work. I don't want to keep trying to track this guy down for a phone interview. I don't want to figure out why my desktop computer doesn't work. I don't want to figure out how to hook up the printer so that it's wireless. I don't want to have to be nice to people so they'll do things for me. I don't want to have to keep coddling Steve so that he doesn't stress me out even more than I already am. I don't want to have to buy more socks. I don't want to have to get a knee brace. I don't want to wear in my new running shoes. I don't want to negotiate with my credit card so that my APR goes down. I don't want to have to figure out why my student loan payment isn't auto-deducting anymore. I don't want to have to reset up auto-deductions. I don't want to have to pay BCBS for my health insurance, esp. since they've already proven to be incompetent.

I don't want to do any of it.

I want to eat ice cream and watch crap tv and let someone else make all the decisions.

Is this possible???

/meltdown

Or who am I kidding? The meltdown is just beginning.

Comments

[gloss]

*long bear hug* I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. Being a grown-up really sucks.

[sid]

It's not supposed to be this hard, is it? I'm having to deal with bankers and brokers and attorneys and estate agents and auctioneers, and somehow I'm managing to fake my way through all of that.

In the mean time I've been in moving limbo since my things went into storage in February. I can't move my furniture into this house until after the estate sale, and who knows when that's going to be. I'm recycling and tossing things, narrowing it down to the point where I'll have to decide what to keep and what to sell. *tears hair out* And then there's cleaning and repair work to be done, painting, new carpets....

I've always been a renter, and now I'm pretending to be a home owner. I'm pretending to be an adult in the house where I was a child. *head/desk*

Nothing ever actually gets finished. I go from room to room, creating chaos in the name of one day creating order.

Oh, and friends actually want to talk to me and spend time with me. They ask me questions. Can we get together? What are you doing for the 4th? Call me? *hides and hopes they'll go away*

In other words: I feel for you. *hugs*

On the bright (less dark) side: I'm keeping current with my bills and the estate's, and keeping all the bank accounts balanced, and I found someone to mow the lawn, and the auction of Dad's collectibles is 10 days away and then that will be FINISHED WITH. And the deadline for claims on the estate is 9 days away, and no shoes can drop after that, so that will be a relief.

:-) I always manage to make things all about me when I set out to commiserate with a fellow sufferer. *moar hugs* We will both survive this.

[bewize]

Please do. The last thing I want right now is to think about myself more. I'm so stressed I feel just sick...

Hearing other people are coping helps. :)

*hugs back*

[bluemeridian]

That is such a sucky place to be in and I wish I had some way that I managed to cope with it myself but mostly I've always just hung on tooth and nail. Well, until I wasn't and then I dunno, just survived I think. Awful, icky, no good, very bad days/months/whatever. I think the only thought I have (besides *hugs*) is to be kind to yourself in as many small ways as you can. They're not 'indulgences' when they're helping keep the last scrap of your sanity.

[haruka]

I'm sorry things suck so much for you right now. :(

I can't even begin to council anybody on being an adult. I stayed at home until I outlived my parents and got the house as a result. I didn't even get my first job until I was 28. No, I'm not proud of either of these. It's my own fault that I was thrown in at the deep end after they were gone, and if it wasn't for Michiru, I wouldn't be able to tread water, so I'm STILL largely dependant on someone else. I admire everything you've accomplished on your own so far -- you're one of the strongest people I know.