Be More Specific

[bewize]

Someone told me tonight that I should be more specific about what I want. I laughingly replied that his statement presupposed that I had any idea of what I want to begin with.

Which of course made me think:

I want a lot of things. Right now, mostly I want to quit being my own frigging worst enemy. Sometimes, I swear I self-destruct just on the verge of getting what I want, because actually getting what I want means that I have to do something - to deserve it, to earn it, to keep it, to not fuck it up, to prove myself, etc. etc. etc.

There are days where I am so damn tired of being me. Those are the days that I wonder what any of you stick around for, and today is one of those days. I mean, I'm not a bad conversationalist. I listen. I try to help. But surely I look like a giant mess from the outside, because I sure as hell feel like one from the inside at times. And yet, you people stick around. (Are you all crazy? Or just masochistic?)

This is not a plea for people to tell me what they like about me. For better or worse, you do like me and I am very, very grateful for that fact. This is more of a vent about the things I don't like about myself very much right now.

I've got to quit fucking myself over.

Comments

[haruka]

Hon, even my own father used to tell me I'm too negative, so I know very well the kind of posts you see in my journal. Yours never struck me that way, so you must be balancing it out better than I do.