bewize: (Default)
[personal profile] bewize
I die on a Thursday in roughly 30 years. The exact date isn't important. The exact moment is. There is a rattled breath, a feeling of being hugged too tightly, and then the sound of breaking glass. I see my life for the first time in the second after I die.

It was nothing like I thought.

I wish I'd been less serious as a child. I should have spent more time making mud pies, less time worrying that my parents constant arguments were because of something I'd done. At the time, I thought it was my fault. I thought that if I stayed out of the way more, fought with my sister less, made better grades, I could make their marriage work.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. My parents fought because of them, not because of me. There was nothing I could do.

I wish I'd had more childhood friends. When I was in grade school, I didn't have many friends, because friends want to get to know you. They wanted to know your secrets and your fears, and above everything else, even at the age of five, I knew that sharing some secrets was a bad idea. I thought that people would make fun of me. I thought no one would care about the little fat girl with glasses.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. Some of the kids did make fun of me. Some people didn't care about me at all. But, there were a few, a precious few, who would have loved me despite myself, embraced me for myself, and helped me grow.

I wish that I'd taken more people up on the thousand silent and shunned offers of friendship earlier than I did. I met the woman who would one day become one of my closest friends, and my oldest friend, in third grade. She doesn't remember, but I do. We didn't become friends for a few years after that. I was shy and she was shy, and I thought that there was no way she would want to be friends with a girl like me.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. I wish I'd known on that day when we stood in the playground at recess, that fifteen years later, I'd be standing beside her in her wedding, and twenty years later, I'd be celebrating the fact that her second child was about to be born.

I wish that I'd realized my own power over food when I was a teenager. I ate to ward off depression, because food didn't have the ability to reject me. Sadly, I didn't have the ability to reject it, either. Instead, I started myself on a lifetime seesaw battle with my weight. I quit looking at the scale. I didn't buy attractive clothes. I hid myself under layers of cloth, and layers of fat, thinking that I wasn't ever going to have a chance to be anything other than the fat girl.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. I was 28 before I made the decision to lose weight. By 29, I'd lost almost fifty pounds. I had a lot more power than I realized all those years.

I wish I'd realized by my 30th birthday that working 90-100 hour weeks wouldn't satisfy my desire to really live. It gave me some things that I took with me to the end - migraines, a stomach ulcer, the inability to sit still and enjoy simple pleasures. The money was nice enough, except that I spent most of it to repay my student debts and the rest of it to medicate myself into a sense of contentment. Oh, and there was a brief stint in rehab when I turned 33, too. All lawyers are alcoholics! It's a punch line that just isn't that funny.

I wish I'd realized by my 35th birthday that I was worthy of finding companionship. I wonder what would have happened if I'd quit bolting in the opposite direction every time a man expressed interest in me. I wonder now what I was so afraid of. I don't think hurt feelings would have been worse than reaching 40 and realizing that I might die alone.

I wish I'd realized by my 50th birthday that life was fleeting and precious. I wish I'd taken time to see the world in all its glory. I wish I'd read more books. I wish I'd written more books! I wish I'd spent more time chatting with friends. I wish that I'd let them in more than I did. I'm pretty sure they could see beyond the facade of happiness I erected to keep them at bay.

I wish I'd gone to Greece when I was 51. I think I would have liked that cruise.

I wish that I'd accepted that dare to jump out of an airplane at the age of 52. To think, I was still so arrogant that I thought nothing was worse than death.

I wish that I'd danced with that stranger on the night of my 53rd birthday. He had such kind eyes and I bet he really knew how to cut a rug.

I wish that I'd gotten a puppy when I was 54. Maybe she would have kept me younger; she certainly would have kept me out of the office.

I wish that I'd gone to see my mother when she called me two months after my 55th birthday. I could have held her hand when her own glass broke and she experienced her life for what it was, and not what she thought it was.

I wish that I'd retired at 56. It makes me want to cry that I ever foolishly thought my greatest value in this world was what I offered in the office.

I wish that I'd spent my 57th birthday with friends. They wanted to throw me a party, but I thought that such silly frivolity was a waste of time and I inadvertently hurt their feelings.

I wish that I'd gone to the doctor when chest pains kept me home for a day six months after my 58th birthday. Perhaps I would have heard the wake up call.

I wish that I'd spent three months the year I was 59 painting in Italy. I'm a horrible painter, but it would have been such a wonderful experience.

I wish that I'd survived past my 60th year.

I woke up this morning and realized that in six months I will be 30. The exact date isn't important. The exact moment is. There will be people singing to me because they love me, and gifts and cake to be relished.

I don't want to see my life for the first time after I die. I want to see it now. That way, when I do finally break through the glass, and see my life for what it truly is, it will be exactly what I thought.

The title of this piece is a lyric from Annie Lenox's Into the West.

This entry was written in response to the [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol Challenge 18: It's Not What You Think . There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

Date: 2009-01-27 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] esmeelf.livejournal.com
Dear Gods. I am at a loss for words and you know how rare that is for me.

I wish I was there to hug you. I could almost tell you that its time we called it quits because I never will be. And that frustrates and saddens me more than words can say.

I think I can guess (pretty damn educated guess, after all, how many hours on the phone in the dead of night?) how much of this is fiction and how much more real. But you know all this now, so for you it is not to late. NOT TOO LATE.

If you never remember another word I ever said to you, remember that.

*hugs*

Fantastic writing. And incredibly moving.

Date: 2009-01-27 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*hugs you up*

I could almost tell you that its time we called it quits *makes note to bitch slap you when I see you next for saying that*

I think I can guess (pretty damn educated guess, after all, how many hours on the phone in the dead of night?) how much of this is fiction and how much more real.

I'd be surprised if you missed any of it. *hugs* You're a true friend, do you know that? See? You talked me off this ledge this morning and you didn't even know it. I'm lucky. I know that.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] esmeelf.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-01-27 04:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

This is utterly ...... wow

Date: 2009-01-27 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daughterofodhin.livejournal.com
It's the zero years approaching that make us think. I just turned 40 on the 16th... and man, did it bring ALOT of introspection.

It is writing like this that has kept you in the competition.

Re: This is utterly ...... wow

Date: 2009-01-27 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. Happy belated birthday. :)

I think that something I have learned through writing in Idol, is that I will regret the things I didn't take chances on. Not the ones I did. I hope to use the next 30 years to keep taking chances. I hope you do, too.

Date: 2009-01-27 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dabhug.livejournal.com
Wow. Just wow.

I need to come back to this. Always.

Date: 2009-01-27 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*hugs*

Thank you.

Date: 2009-01-27 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] strangevisitor7.livejournal.com
That was simply beautiful. I sit here with tears in my eyes at the hope in this piece - It truly moved me. That was amazing and inspirational and I think I'm running out of adjectives...but you get the idea...I loved it!

Date: 2009-01-27 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm so flattered by your comment. It means a lot. *hugs*

Date: 2009-01-27 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thenodrin.livejournal.com
I really enjoyed this.

Sometimes, I look forward and wonder what my life will be like when I'm 40, 50, 60. But, then I realize that my life now is nothing like I expected it to be just 5 years ago, much less 10 or 20.

Things change, when you least expect them to. A life that you wonder if it is worth living can become irreplaceable in a matter of seconds.

Theno

Date: 2009-01-27 06:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. As soon as I saw the topic, I knew this was the post I wanted to write.

Life is precious and fleeting. It's too precious and fleeting to compromise on happiness.

Date: 2009-01-27 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com
So beautiful ... I'm rapidly getting closer to 30 too and although every birthday brings its own melancholy I suspect 30 will be a lot worse.

Date: 2009-01-28 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
It's sort of a wake up call about what's gone on before. But, they say 30 is the new 21, so I hope to take that into consideration!

Thanks for the comment. :)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-01-30 11:15 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-01-27 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alycewilson.livejournal.com
Very nice creative exercise. I love it!

Date: 2009-01-28 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2009-01-28 12:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] boxsofrain.livejournal.com
This writing is so raw, I am amazed. I hope you get to see your life now, in some way.

Date: 2009-01-28 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much.

Date: 2009-01-28 12:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] supremegoddess1.livejournal.com
excellent, and very relatable.

Date: 2009-01-28 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

Date: 2009-01-28 02:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baxaphobia.livejournal.com
This is very powerful! So many people live their lives in regret! Never never do it! Smile.

Date: 2009-01-28 04:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
No regrets... that's going to be a new goal.

Date: 2009-01-28 10:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theafaye.livejournal.com
This is beautiful

Date: 2009-01-28 01:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you.

Date: 2009-01-28 09:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] darkprism.livejournal.com
Just. Fantastic.

~*~

Date: 2009-01-28 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

Date: 2009-01-28 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caersidi.livejournal.com
A very powerful entry.

Date: 2009-01-29 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. I appreciate your comment and compliment very much.

Date: 2009-01-28 11:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightflashes.livejournal.com
::shakes head:: I'm speechless. (good way)

Date: 2009-01-29 03:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you. I am so flattered.

Date: 2009-01-28 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] imafarmgirl.livejournal.com
Great entry. Creative take on the topic I think it was not what I expected and that was good.

Date: 2009-01-29 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Unexpected twists! The story of my life, and how I want my life to be, anyway.

Thanks. :)

Date: 2009-01-29 12:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com
So utterly beautiful and painful.

Date: 2009-01-29 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much.

Date: 2009-01-29 04:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] edith-jones.livejournal.com
Really amazing entry. Incredibly moving. Wow.

Date: 2009-01-29 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I'm so pleased. :)

Date: 2009-01-29 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] monkeysugarmama.livejournal.com
Your "I wish, I wish" that broke my heart. I don't want to end my life looking back wishing like that either.

Date: 2009-01-30 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
*hugs*

It's been a rough month (year?) thus far, but I think I'm seeing some hard truths. Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it very much.

Date: 2009-01-29 10:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] johnmill79.livejournal.com
Very sharp. I don't even want to try and project what my life will be like, as things don't look particularly good at the moment. I do think I should try and minimize the regrets, though. That's why I'm rolling the dice with this grad school thing. If I can't get in there, I'm not sure what I'll do. It's so hard to make yourself take risks, isn't it?

Date: 2009-01-30 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
I wish you the best of luck with your grad school aps! That's so exciting. :D

It is hard to force yourself to take risks. I just can't help but think it might be harder to live with yourself if you don't.

Here's to both of us making life what we want it.

Date: 2009-01-30 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] solstice-singer.livejournal.com
I loved this! You made a beautiful point about wanting to see your life for what it is today, instead of what it was, after you've died. Very nicely written.

Date: 2009-01-30 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much. I've been forced to take a hard look at my life. It's scary to do, but hopefully, it will eventually be worth it.

Date: 2009-01-30 06:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gratefuladdict.livejournal.com
Just breathtaking.

Date: 2009-01-30 02:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! I appreciate your comment and compliment. :D

Date: 2009-01-31 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] superhappytime.livejournal.com
I think anyone who has a romantic view of life can read this and relate to it because we live with many regrets and sometimes feel paralyzed to make the changes we want, so another years passes and it becomes another year of "I wish I had..." I'm jealous of people who just do. Maybe jealous isn't right. Maybe I just dislike them immensely and think they are all lucky fools.

Date: 2009-02-02 04:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
I'm jealous of people who just do, too. I'm going to try and be more like them...

Date: 2009-01-31 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] millysdaughter.livejournal.com
Oh my.
This is powerful.

Date: 2009-02-02 04:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!

Date: 2009-01-31 05:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amandakcampbell.livejournal.com
This is very poignant and lovely. And I hope that, despite the sadness of this entry, things are going better this week than last. *smile*

Date: 2009-02-02 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Things are going. I shall consider that a step in the right direction!

Date: 2009-01-31 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com
This is made of win!

Date: 2009-02-02 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bewize.livejournal.com
Thank you so much!
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

Most Popular Tags

Page generated Jul. 14th, 2025 07:23 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios