LJ Idol 18: And All Will Turn To Silver Glass

[bewize]

I die on a Thursday in roughly 30 years. The exact date isn't important. The exact moment is. There is a rattled breath, a feeling of being hugged too tightly, and then the sound of breaking glass. I see my life for the first time in the second after I die.

It was nothing like I thought.

I wish I'd been less serious as a child. I should have spent more time making mud pies, less time worrying that my parents constant arguments were because of something I'd done. At the time, I thought it was my fault. I thought that if I stayed out of the way more, fought with my sister less, made better grades, I could make their marriage work.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. My parents fought because of them, not because of me. There was nothing I could do.

I wish I'd had more childhood friends. When I was in grade school, I didn't have many friends, because friends want to get to know you. They wanted to know your secrets and your fears, and above everything else, even at the age of five, I knew that sharing some secrets was a bad idea. I thought that people would make fun of me. I thought no one would care about the little fat girl with glasses.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. Some of the kids did make fun of me. Some people didn't care about me at all. But, there were a few, a precious few, who would have loved me despite myself, embraced me for myself, and helped me grow.

I wish that I'd taken more people up on the thousand silent and shunned offers of friendship earlier than I did. I met the woman who would one day become one of my closest friends, and my oldest friend, in third grade. She doesn't remember, but I do. We didn't become friends for a few years after that. I was shy and she was shy, and I thought that there was no way she would want to be friends with a girl like me.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. I wish I'd known on that day when we stood in the playground at recess, that fifteen years later, I'd be standing beside her in her wedding, and twenty years later, I'd be celebrating the fact that her second child was about to be born.

I wish that I'd realized my own power over food when I was a teenager. I ate to ward off depression, because food didn't have the ability to reject me. Sadly, I didn't have the ability to reject it, either. Instead, I started myself on a lifetime seesaw battle with my weight. I quit looking at the scale. I didn't buy attractive clothes. I hid myself under layers of cloth, and layers of fat, thinking that I wasn't ever going to have a chance to be anything other than the fat girl.

It turns out, that it was nothing like I thought. I was 28 before I made the decision to lose weight. By 29, I'd lost almost fifty pounds. I had a lot more power than I realized all those years.

I wish I'd realized by my 30th birthday that working 90-100 hour weeks wouldn't satisfy my desire to really live. It gave me some things that I took with me to the end - migraines, a stomach ulcer, the inability to sit still and enjoy simple pleasures. The money was nice enough, except that I spent most of it to repay my student debts and the rest of it to medicate myself into a sense of contentment. Oh, and there was a brief stint in rehab when I turned 33, too. All lawyers are alcoholics! It's a punch line that just isn't that funny.

I wish I'd realized by my 35th birthday that I was worthy of finding companionship. I wonder what would have happened if I'd quit bolting in the opposite direction every time a man expressed interest in me. I wonder now what I was so afraid of. I don't think hurt feelings would have been worse than reaching 40 and realizing that I might die alone.

I wish I'd realized by my 50th birthday that life was fleeting and precious. I wish I'd taken time to see the world in all its glory. I wish I'd read more books. I wish I'd written more books! I wish I'd spent more time chatting with friends. I wish that I'd let them in more than I did. I'm pretty sure they could see beyond the facade of happiness I erected to keep them at bay.

I wish I'd gone to Greece when I was 51. I think I would have liked that cruise.

I wish that I'd accepted that dare to jump out of an airplane at the age of 52. To think, I was still so arrogant that I thought nothing was worse than death.

I wish that I'd danced with that stranger on the night of my 53rd birthday. He had such kind eyes and I bet he really knew how to cut a rug.

I wish that I'd gotten a puppy when I was 54. Maybe she would have kept me younger; she certainly would have kept me out of the office.

I wish that I'd gone to see my mother when she called me two months after my 55th birthday. I could have held her hand when her own glass broke and she experienced her life for what it was, and not what she thought it was.

I wish that I'd retired at 56. It makes me want to cry that I ever foolishly thought my greatest value in this world was what I offered in the office.

I wish that I'd spent my 57th birthday with friends. They wanted to throw me a party, but I thought that such silly frivolity was a waste of time and I inadvertently hurt their feelings.

I wish that I'd gone to the doctor when chest pains kept me home for a day six months after my 58th birthday. Perhaps I would have heard the wake up call.

I wish that I'd spent three months the year I was 59 painting in Italy. I'm a horrible painter, but it would have been such a wonderful experience.

I wish that I'd survived past my 60th year.

I woke up this morning and realized that in six months I will be 30. The exact date isn't important. The exact moment is. There will be people singing to me because they love me, and gifts and cake to be relished.

I don't want to see my life for the first time after I die. I want to see it now. That way, when I do finally break through the glass, and see my life for what it truly is, it will be exactly what I thought.

The title of this piece is a lyric from Annie Lenox's Into the West.

This entry was written in response to the therealljidol Challenge 18: It's Not What You Think . There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

Comments

[bewize.livejournal.com]

Unexpected twists! The story of my life, and how I want my life to be, anyway.

Thanks. :)