bewize

(And no jokes from the peanut gallery, thank you very much!)

There is a spider that lives in my bathroom. I noticed it a while ago, mostly because I thought it was dead and sort of stuck to the ceiling. It lives in the right corner closest to the tub and is easily visible from the toilet.

Which is, you know, where I saw it first.

However, since I thought it was dead, I forewent the "being frightened away" part. I also don't eat curds and whey, ever, and I certainly don't eat them in the bathroom. Sometimes, I drink a glass of wine in there, but usually when I'm in the tub.

Regardless, I ramble. This morning, I happened to notice that the spider had moved. Meaning that it isn't dead. My skin immediately began to crawl, but then I started wondering... how does it stay alive in there?

It's hardly a tiny spider. It's about the size of a dime, with the legs taking it to the size of a quarter or bigger. What's it eating?! Unless the answer is "steam," I'm creeped out.

I have another problem now. Since I gave it a pass for so long, I'd feel guilty moving it now. Forget killing it. It's seen me at my most vulnerable and hasn't dropped dead, which is strangely complimentary. You know, if a spider could be complimentary.

It doesn't seem to have much of a web, but if it did, I wonder what it would write.

I can easily imagine a few messages.

"Hey you, turn down the music."

"Hey you, coconut bubble bath? Really?"

"Hey you, you should really use the razor. You're looking a bit... unkempt."

"Hey you, I saw you not wash your left arm. Gross."

"Hey you, eat more fiber."

"Hey you, reading in the bathtub is one thing. On the toilet... not so much."

"Hey you, the toilet is overflowing again. It really is probably possessed."

"Hey you, the orange cat is really annoying when you're trying to relax."

"Hey you, reconsider Weight Watchers?"

"Hey you, you forgot to refill the toilet paper before you peed. Classic."

"Hey you, I knew that your roommate and his friend were around before you went into the hallway in a towel. I just didn't tell you because it's funny."

"Hey you, that drunk guy that shows up sometimes and doesn't shut the door when he pees? HAHAHAHA."

"Hey you, do you want to know about the folks your roommate had over while you were gone? No, you really don't. But don't sit there."

I suppose that we'll just have to live out our days together in a truce. He'll eat steam and continue to silently mock me. I'll pretend that I don't see him and won't squish him.

But I swear to God, if he leaves the message, "SOME PIG," I will end him.

Put a smile on it. The thought of these words being growled at me should be a bit incongruous, but this was my father's favorite technique to restore order and quiet. Put a smile on it or I'll give you something to be upset about.

( It was an oft repeated lesson that set well. )

This entry was written in response to the therealljidol Topic 03: Smile. There will (probably) be voting for this week's entries. I will make sure to link to the poll once it is put up and I would appreciate it if you would vote for me if you enjoy my entry. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.